October | 2009 | Betsy Lerner

Same As It Ever Was

Posted on October 19, 2009 by betsylerner

I just finished my revision of FFTT. It’s almost 2:00 a.m. New Haven has gone to bed. I’m buzzy, agitated. Like James Caan in Misery, I want my one cigarette upon completion. Actually, I need help with three outstanding items:

–Does any remember Jay McInerny doing scotch ads? If so, was it Dewar’s? Or what brand was it?

–“Query letters that sound as if they were penned Crazy Eddie, instead of a thoughtful writer…” They want me to swap “Crazy Eddie” for a more contemporary nutcase? I’m drawing a blank. Any ideas?

–I also need to replace Don King as an example of a nutcase self-promoter. Any names come to mind?

I know this isn’t your job. If a bribe of any sort would help, name it. Scotch, cigarettes, a signed copy of the 10th anniversary revision of The Forest for the Trees. I want to tell you something. When the book was first published, I used to dis it, trying to be clever or self-deprecating. After all, I had an MFA in poetry and here I was writing an advice book. I’d gone from Sylvia Plath to Erma Bombeck. My husband described my behavior as “psychotic disassociation.” I knew he was right. I was weirdly ashamed. Who the hell was I? I trashed my own book and acted like it was funny. Fast forward ten years. I’m still an asshole, and I mean that in the best sense of the word. I’m also proud the little fucker is still in print. God knows, I’m lucky to have the chance to make it better and update it. Only here’s my new iteration of self-flagellation: oh, you had to rope them into letting you revise the book instead of creating something NEW. I hope, if you are a writer, you will applaud this new low.

Filed under: Writers, Writing | 22 Comments »

See the Sky About To Rain

Posted on October 16, 2009 by betsylerner

Susan Klebold, mother of Dylan Klebold, speaks out for the first time since her son perpetrated one of the worst school shootings (with Eric Harris) and then took his own life ten years ago. I read the piece because I worked with Dave Cullen, author of Columbine, for a decade and was deeply involved in the story. After I read the piece, published in O Magazine, I put my head down on my kitchen table and wept. Her words of despair about the loss of her son and the guilt over the lives he took is rendered with tremendous clarity and honesty. I could not stop crying. In the end she talks about suicide, how it can be prevented, how she hopes her piece will help others see what she didn’t see. It’s not a neat ending. It’s just an ending.

I realized today that I never quite took it all in. Yes, there were always vivid moments, many of them, that Dave wrote about that were horrifying and heartbreaking no matter how many drafts I read. His efforts to understand the boys were nothing short of heroic. But for me, I was working on a manuscript with a writer, I was thinking about structure, tone, and transitions. When I talked about the people in the book I often referred to them as characters and thought about how to keep track of such a huge cast, how to keep readers from losing track. I thought about pacing. That is my job. That’s what I help writers do. And I think I’m guided by a deep feeling of empathy for people as much as by my desire help writers fully realize their creative work. But right now none of that seems like much.

Filed under: Uncategorized | 12 Comments »

A Pocket Full of Horses

Posted on October 15, 2009 by betsylerner

I’m working with three new clients right now and I feel like I’m at the Kentucky Derby watching these incredible horses make their final circuit to the finish line as we prepare their proposals for submission. And this is also proof positive that I am an editor in agent’s clothing because there is nothing more satisfying for me than to see a revision come in stronger than I had even imagined, that my edits could, even in some small way, inspire a writer to greater success. I’m not saying it’s not fun to handpick editors, pitch books, field offers, and cash checks. That’s swell, too.

It’s funny because I always rail, even perversely, against the “process” people, against the “journey” people. Because I’m about results, winning, success. I say in FFTT, (and I’m paraphrasing myself, ha ha).,readers don’t give a shit about your process, only that your work appears seamless. And I believe that. But if I were to be honest with myself, I have to say I love this process. I love watching writers and writing improve. I love being part of it. So I guess I’m a big pussy after all.

Filed under: Agent, Client | 5 Comments »

When You Got Nothing, You Got Nothing To Lose

Posted on October 14, 2009 by betsylerner

National Book Awards failed to recognize two of my clients. Big mistake.

I was going to tell you what books have influenced John Cusack (thanks to O Magazine), but I’m in too shitty a mood. Instead, this is an open letter to John Cusack’s agent and manager: WHAT THE FUCK? How come you guys can’t get him anything better than some dumbass martian kid movie and that other widower one that stares at me from my video store shelf like some filthy sock puppet that the dog doesn’t even want. Do I have to remind anyone how hot and sensitive this guy was? And I was a Sean Penn girl myself. Okay, I’m sure we don’t need to elaborate on that (Hamm v. Byrne, etc.). Still, I’m a book agent and I think I could get him a better movie part. A monkey could. Proof: In production he has something called “Hot Tub Time Machine,” and in development, “Cosmic Bandit.” I rest my case. Or is there something about him we don’t know, something some genius publicist has kept out of the papers? If so, she works hard for the money. Does everybody know some secret about Cusack but me?

Okay, I’m feeling a little better.Here are the books that influenced Lloyd Dobler:

JC: Fear and Loathing, To Kill a Mockingbird, Bob Dylan Chronicles, The Great Thoughts, The Shock Doctrine

Here are the books that influenced Squeaky Lerner:

BL: Carrie, In Cold Blood, I Am Third, Helter Skelter, Ariel.

And last, I just pulled this quote from Cusack on IMDB:

“Martian Child was just a movie the studio [New Line Cinema] offered me and it was the best job I could get at the time. It was about a relationship between a guy and another kid, and I thought that was good. It was a sweet movie. They offered it to me and that was the extent of that. Grace Is Gone was something I REALLY wanted to do.”

Now I feel REALLY bad. I’m going to rent Grace Is Gone, aka Unwanted Sock Puppet. But seriously, I think it’s time for him to do an HBO tv series, if anyone at WME is listening. Hello? John, call me.

Filed under: Books, Film, Media | 12 Comments »

I’m Rubber and You’re Glue

Posted on October 13, 2009 by betsylerner

Michiko Kakutani ripped Jonathan Lethem a new one in her review today of his new novel, Chronic City. She is, of course, famous for this kind of attack but it’s been a while and I was growing old and getting fat reading about luminous this and numinous that. These are, by far, her two favorite words. I hate those words. Moving right along. She called the novel, in case you missed it, “tedious,” “overstuffed,” “a lot of pompous hot air,” “insipid,” “plasticky puppets,” “lame and unsatisfying.”

I’m not particularly interested in her taste, agenda, what have you. What I want to know is how Lethem’s feeling. Does this mean another ten years in therapy or is he able to shrug it off, so many books behind him, his literary stature seemingly secure. I’m writing because when I read a review this rabid, I get scared. And I think about what it is to put yourself on the line as a writer. It’s easy to forget about the vulnerability involved when it looks like a published writer has it made what with publications, teaching positions, awards and so forth. When one of my clients gets a bad review, I want to say, hey, c’mon, my kid deserved a B+. That wasn’t fair! Then we spend lots of time talking about how fucked up the review was, how wrong, how the reviewer had an agenda, how it doesn’t make a difference in the overall scheme of things. And sometimes I say, don’t forget, tomorrow that newspaper will be used to pick up dog shit. (Though, of course, most people use plastic baggies.)

Well, Michiko just sold at least one book for Mr. Lethem. I’ve never read him and now I’m totally intrigued. It’s like when my mother says she hates a movie; I rush out to see it the next chance I get.

Filed under: Books, Media, Writers | 6 Comments »

What’s Your Sign?

Posted on October 12, 2009 by betsylerner

I was contemplating a survey asking what books editors were ashamed of reading when, lo and behold, People had the very same idea. Kelly Ripa was ashamed of having read Sextrology, which is about what your sign means sexually — what you’re attracted to. She covered it with a magazine in the park so no one could see! Kelly, I’m a Leo, ’nuff said. (Friends, if you have a moment, click on the link and check out the authors’ names. I love life.)

Kathy Griffin (who I believe scored a 2 million dollar book deal?!?) says someone “gave” her L. Ron Hubbards’ Dianetics “as a joke.” Or not.

And Emily Deschanel (does anyone know who she is?) listens to new age, self help books on tape in the car. She says it’s embarrassing when the guy valet parking can hear the tape blasting, “You are so beautiful.” That’s funny, my self-help tape screams, “You fucking loser.” And the valet doesn’t give a shit.

I’ve been thinking about what books I’ve been embarrassed to be caught reading. Just today, at Urban Outfitters, I gravitated over to their highly merchy book table and picked up What’s Your Poo Telling You? And, like the last two times I picked it up, the page opened to a discussion on the difference between floaters and sinkers.

What crap are you reading?

Filed under: Books, The End of the World as We Know It, Uncategorized | 21 Comments »

The First Cut Is The Deepest

Posted on October 9, 2009 by betsylerner

CAN YOU MATCH THE FIRST LINES WITH THE WRITERS? The first person to successfully match all the lines to their authors will win something. It’s probably some free books because, as you may know, I’m no longer giving away my “vintage” Forest for the Trees pencils with the erasers as hard as witches’ tits. But it could be something else. Depends who wins. Extra credit if you can name all the novels, too.

This morning I got a note from my aunt asking me to come for lunch.
This was the year he rode the subway to the ends of the city, two hundred miles of track.
In accordance with the law the death sentence was announced to Cincinnatus C. in a whisper.
My name is Ruth.
Two mountain chains traverse the republic roughly from north to south, forming between them a number of valleys and plateaus.
The North Carolina Mutual Life Insurance agent promised to fly from Mercy to the other side of Lake Superior at three o’clock.
In the Oakland Greyhound all the people were dwarfs, and they pushed and shoved to get on the bus, even cutting in ahead of the two nuns, who were there first.

Filed under: Uncategorized | 21 Comments »

Woke Up, Fell Out of Bed, Dragged a Comb Across My Head

Posted on October 8, 2009 by betsylerner

I must have hit a nerve with my worst lunch survey because I got three new lunch dates out of it. Dance card = full. What else happened today? Let’s see. There was some soul crushing. Some wound-licking. Some difficult exchanges. There was me and my bronchities melting down trying to use the new remote hook up from the office computer. There was a blast from my past (never welcome). There was a royalty statement that didn’t seem right and a conversation with a lady in Maine, I think, to try and resolve it. There’s an e-book royalty to negotiate on a contract so old electonic rights hadn’t been dreamed up. Brainstorming with a client for his next book. A call from a “dirt ball” in LA whose slickness kind of turned me on. Exchanging cheeky emails with a documentarian who challenged my negotiating skill. Sir! A superb journalist tipped me off to a new writer and her memoir. I talked a friend off the ledge. And I called my mother.

Filed under: Agent | 5 Comments »

Every Year Is Getting Shorter

Posted on October 7, 2009 by betsylerner

Here’s a good one:

Greetings! I am working on a memoir and nearly have the manuscript completed. After many years of working on it, I think this is the draft that I can start sending to agents. I have a feeling the manuscript will be ready around the holidays; at least, that’s my goal. I will be anxious to start sending it out right away. But is the period between Thanksgiving/Christmas a bad time to send manuscripts? Are there some general “bad times” in the year in which to submit? Is there a “good time” to submit?

I’ve consulted some of the great Talmudic minds over the last decade about when to send out books. And I would have been happy to share the information, but just like everything else in this economic climate — all bets are off. It used to be that you didn’t want to send out books in December or August. That said, I recently heard that August is new September. Does that mean November is the new December? As far as I know, August is still when most people take vacation. And you probably don’t want to send out your project before the Christmas holidays unless you’re submitting it to a Chinese food-eating, movie-going, beautiful young jewess like me.

The best advice: send it when it’s ready — that’s the bottom line. Send it when you can handle whatever happens, and keep writing.

Filed under: Agent, FAQ, Protocol, Publishing | 7 Comments »

‘Twas in Another Lifetime

Posted on October 6, 2009 by betsylerner

I'd Rather Be Editing

A young editor asked if I had some time to talk with her — she wants to become an agent. Oh god. Really? Pick this brain? She said she reads my blog. Well, okay. We met this morning at Spoon, the lovely coffee shop next door. Have I mentioned it? The morning coffee person knows how I take my coffee. My husband hasn’t mastered that in 17 years, but hey, we’re only LIVING TOGETHER. First, I just want to say, Young Editor wore a really pretty frock, had her hair pinned up in a way that looks sort of blowsy and thrown together, and cool glasses. She’s half way there, no?

Young editor wants to know if I miss being an editor. A lot of people ask me that. It’s exactly a decade since I left editorial row and I do look back. No matter how bad it gets out there, I have this huge soft spot for the profession. It doesn’t matter how much editing I do as an agent, and the twitch in my left eye attests to how much I did this weekend, I still have this romantic notion of being an editor. What can I say, I loved choosing the end paper colors, and deciding what the running heads should say, and finding the perfect piece of art for the jacket. I liked being “in-house” and trying to get everyone behind my authors’ books. I liked putting on the play. No matter how hard I work on behalf of myclients to help their careers, and even feel that the work is valuable, I still think of agents as dirt balls. That’s how my first boss referred to them and, well, I can’t shake it. I can say this: being an agent is more fun. Sadly, fun has never been a huge priority for me.

Filed under: Agent | 18 Comments »

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