Readers, I just heard that another vampire book (1,000 pages long) sold for seven figures. If the agent weren’t the sweetest guy in the whole world, I would drive a stake through my heart. I’ve always counseled writers not to jump on the band wagon, not to look to the bestseller list for inspiration, not to be copycats. Well, fuck all that. Writers: write! I want a 5,000 page manuscript about a Shape Shifter who works by day as a children’s book illustrator and kills small children at night, dates a half-human half-literary agent, and sucks her hammerhead thumbs to the great consternation of her dentist. Do you feel me? Let’s not spend the rest of this recession watching Mad Men videos when we can be printing money. Printing it!
Filed under: Books, Publishing, The End of the World as We Know It |
Betsy Lerner 
I’m working on manuscript right now about a little orphan boy who discovers he’s a vampire, and goes off to vampiring school where he fights The One Who Must Not Be Fanged and plays bloodsports. I’ll only 3,491 pages into it, though. Gimme a few weeks.
How about a book examining why vampire stories are suddenly so popular, a scholarly 1000 page tome examining contemporary culture, perhaps drawing a parallel between vampirism and capitalism, bloodsuckers.
I remember sometime in the very late 80’s… maybe early 90’s… pulling my head out of my ass and learning of the immense popularity of Bon Jovi. I didn’t get them either. But I should’ve started a rock band then and there. Betsy, I’m taking you up on this vampire thing. Expect something really cool in 90 days.
I’m working on a novel about a string quartet, but just for you, I’ll turn the second violinist into a vampire.
Can you get blood out of a rosin cake…?
I call dibs on the Amish vampire franchise. Now, if I can only remember what it was like to be 14 reading soft core porn for the first time I’ll be able to knock out Vol. One in a week or so.
clip, clop, clip, clop …
“Goot evenink.”
“Good evening, how ar—. NO! MY GOD! ARGHHHH!”
clip, clop, clip, clop …
I will write that if you can promise me it gets made into a movie or tv series that no one will stop talking about.
Does it count if the Shape Shifter’s favorite shape is that of a blood-sucking vampire with an overbite?
Man! If only I were interested enough to come up with something. I’ve tried. I had an agent tell me to start writing Steam Punk because it’s going to be the next big thing. I thought he wanted me to write the Harlequin version of Sid and Nancy.
Oh for pete’s sake!
I don’t know if I’m just tired of vampires, or if I’m tired of being jealous of those who get large advances for books of such ilk.
Drat! Vivian called the Amish vampire series…maybe I can beat her to the finish line. Hold out for my novel on Hoover, the little Amish boy from Lancaster, PA, who becomes a vampire and begins drinking blood in farm country. This could give a whole new meaning to “rumspringa.”
Why are the suckers in these stories always white? and teenage? and disenfranchised? Bring on the laid off, multi-racial, middle aged, long in the fang revenging biters and I’ll read and write with glee.
Doing everything I can to learn about the publishing landscape this summer has been pretty depressing as I start the query process; and I’ve heard the advice to write what’s trendy. But I keep thinking I should write what I love, even if it’s a longshot. I just can’t get excited about vampires or steampunk. If I’m going to put the amount of time into a project that it takes to make it sing, it needs to be something I’m truly invested in. Not to mention, I keep thinking the wheel will turn and next year or so, vampires will be super passe and the year after that, everyone will be over steampunk
David,
I’m no expert, and I’m not even published yet, but I think you should write what you love. Write the books that you want to read. Write what you’re passionate about. Write to make yourself happy first.
Being a press whore is a good thing, but being a total whore is a different gig entirely.
Agreed, Kim. Well put.
Wait, that’s it! The vampire whore with the heart of gold! We might have a bestseller on our hands: Prosti-suction, a whole new genre.
I’ve never even heard of Steam Punk…. First things first. I’ve just completed 1/8 of the new vampire manuscript that Betsy requested. Betsy, put an order in for that Maserati you always wanted. We’re going to be millionaires.
Two words: vampire memoir.
That’s great…
:O
No one’s done Trailer Trash Vampire, have they? I’m calling that. I’ll set the whole thing in Yellville, Arkansas and work in a Dairy Queen that caters to the lot of them.
That really sent me to bed laughing. Excellent. And I lived in a trailer court for 4 years starting in junior high.
Please write about trailer court.
Betsy Lerner
Dunow, Carlson & Lerner Literary Agency
(212)645-7606
http://www.DCLagency.com
http://www.betsylerner.com
Sorry: you’re too late, Monda …
I’ve combined both Trailer Trash and Prostitution, no mean feat that, to produce a sure thing.
It’s called Whoregasm.
Set in a Manufactured Home Community in Cut ‘N Shoot, TX (Google it), this tale introduces readers to Amanda Doomey, a vampire whore who takes the Greyhound into Houston on weekends.
Betsy. You must be reading my mind. I already did and it will be included when you get the reworked manuscript.
Ha! I was just blogging about vampires – dead or undead. And my verdict was undead – because of the market. Many people may be sick of it, but vampires/paranormal is still quite the hot thing.
I want to write a book about bloodsucking government and democratic pols who get their due. With the threat of prison the dems steal from my kid’s the hard earned money my husband and I have earned. Filthy vampires all of them including union workers!
how about a middle aged vampire going through a midlife crisis at the age of 800?Not even vampires always get everything they want.
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