Readers, I just heard that another vampire book (1,000 pages long) sold for seven figures. If the agent weren’t the sweetest guy in the whole world, I would drive a stake through my heart. I’ve always counseled writers not to jump on the band wagon, not to look to the bestseller list for inspiration, not to be copycats. Well, fuck all that. Writers: write! I want a 5,000 page manuscript about a Shape Shifter who works by day as a children’s book illustrator and kills small children at night, dates a half-human half-literary agent, and sucks her hammerhead thumbs to the great consternation of her dentist. Do you feel me? Let’s not spend the rest of this recession watching Mad Men videos when we can be printing money. Printing it!