Betsy Lerner

All I Want Is For You to Make Love To Me

Posted on October 22, 2009 by betsylerner

I sucked my last Hall’s Plus Lemon-Honey Advanced Vapor Action cough drop today. Actually, I sucked my penultimate Hall’s Plus Lemon-Honey Advanced Vapor Action cough drop today. I gave my last Hall’s to our assistant who is about to pitch his first book, throat scratchy, nervous. I told him to remember us when he gets tapped by William Morris Endeavor or ICM, corner office. Of course, he’ll have to give up the post college casual in favor of suits and ties, but hey, even yours truly once wore an Ann Taylor suit and pumps. Can you friggin’ imagine?

But I was talking about me. Finally able to take deep breaths without the little motor in my bronchial lungs kicking in. And best of all: back in NYC and I feel fine. Sorry for the missed post, but my desk was a disaster, and if you know me I’m nothing by a neat freak. I had to get some of it cleared away: contracts, fifty or more query letters (and as I’ve noted I do take a look at all my mail), manuscripts (one about 1,000 pages long and no VAMPIRE in sight), and a pile of books from editors.

Editors send books to a) create buzz b) show off (in the best sense) what they’re up to c) remind you to send them projects.What I do with freebies: send histories to my brother in law, send politics to my nephew, send women’s commercial fiction to my sister, send books to my niece that will upset my sister because they are inappropriate. I send some books to clients if they relate to what they are working on. I give the rest to charity but for one or two that I take home. Today, I took home the African short story writer who is the Oprah pick. I always feel like it’s a publishing duty. But I fell into a deep sleep on the train, woke up with a scratchy throat, and wished I had a cough drop.

p.s. also waiting for me upon my return was a get well card and gift from a frequent COMMENTER on this blog. He is also a client. ‘Twas a CD mix of world music and a mini bottle of Grey Goose. He is the best goose in the world and thank you. (And if any of my other beloved commenters think I am dropping a hint, trust me, I’m not that subtle.)

Filed under: Agent, Books | 5 Comments »

Darkness Visible

Posted on October 20, 2009 by betsylerner

It was easy to get responses to my first three surveys, so maybe I should stick with lighter fare: what publishers nosh, bad lunch dates, etc. This time, I surveyed a bunch of industry insiders and asked: how do you know if your book is going to tank and when do you know it. I got one response. Being me, rather than drop it, I kept asking, and here I present you with some darker fare. Warning: if you like to avert your eyes when you see an accident, skip this post.

One editor confides: I’ve been the victim of the “we’ve got to make budget and this book has got to ship this year” syndrome. These authors had previously published an enormous bestseller. I knew when I got the first draft of the new book that it wasn’t going to work. But I had to keep going and force myself to believe that the new book was as funny as the first. It wasn’t. And guess what? It didn’t work. AT ALL. But the company got to count the initial ship into their budget for that year. I’m sure the returns were brutal…but by then I didn’t work there anymore.

From an agent: The book was selected as a Minnesota Talking Books pick and there were no books in the stores and Amazon said out of stock, because the book had been published several months before to little fanfare, and it was around the Christmas holidays. I spent hours calling bookstores in the Minneapolis area asking why they didn’t have the book in stock, and no one had told them! The Talking Books promoter had delayed sending out a press release because they wanted to announce the subsequent selection as well! The publisher said they couldn’t help it because the bookstores had to order the books! I think the author has never recovered, although I’m not sure because she’s still in a fetal crouch.

Another agent: Well, I had a book on ( major publisher, highly prestigious, you fill in the blank) children’s list and it turned out that the publicist never sent the book out. To anyone. We kept calling and asking and they kept reassuring us that books had gone out, reviews would come in…when in fact they hadn’t, and they didn’t. The book — gorgeous and accomplished — never really got on its feet after that. And I’m still mad.

A senior editor: I knew the book was going to tank minutes after we acquired it. We had a new editor in chief and she was frantic and bullheaded. She heard about a book project I had in and told me to bid six figures. It had a great title, but I hadn’t even finished reading it. We “won” the auction. When I asked the agent who the underbidders were, she said she didn’t have to disclose that. Excuse me. I told her my boss would want to know. And again she declined. Obviously, there were no other bidders. The book, as it turns out, was horrible. It tanked in every way. The author had no expertise and couldn’t write. Worse, she still sends me Christmas cards.

Best for last: I hardly even hope for a book to succeed these days, because inside I am assuming that it is going to tank, since most of them do. This is sad but true. I can hardly bring myself to ask the first printings anymore…and if, after a few weeks or months, no reprint—well, then you know. It is the end. I guess I am pretty jaded, huh???

Tomorrow on this blog: sunshine and kittens.

Filed under: Agent, Authors, Books, Editor, Publishing, The End of the World as We Know It | 27 Comments »

Find Out What It Means to Me

Posted on October 19, 2009 by betsylerner

If you have a chance, check out this interview in Poets & Writers with Jon Karp, publisher of Twelve, an imprint at Hachette. It is a measure of how much I respect him and admire him that I recommend the interview because, well, look at how he answers the question regarding which agents he admires:

There are a lot of agents that I admire—too many to name. It’s funny. I really enjoy working with literary agents, but I’m not socially friendly with any of them. I kind of feel like it’s a business relationship. But I enjoy their companionship at lunch and I love talking to them about their projects. Even when I pass on their projects, I genuinely enjoy talking to them, the give and take. There are literary agents who I’ve known for fifteen years who I’m just finally doing books with. Molly Friedrich was one who I’d wanted to work with forever and finally found a novel we both loved. I’ve known Stuart Krichevsky since I was in my late twenties, and he’s trusted me with Sebastian Junger, for which I am eternally grateful. Rob Weisbach is incredibly creative and he’s going to do great things. I could talk to Tina Bennett and Heather Schroder forever. There really are a lot.

Jon, it’s okay. I’m not, like, needy. I know I’m special. That we have a connection. It’s real. I feel it. You don’t have to advertise when something is real. Congrats on the great interview. It should be required reading for every writer who wants a window into the mind of a publisher who has had tremendous success and a very smart take on the industry. Does he even remember the time we had bagels at his apartment when we had a lunch date and he had to wait for Comcast? Does he?

Filed under: Agent, Authors, Books, Editor, Publishing | 6 Comments »

Same As It Ever Was

Posted on October 19, 2009 by betsylerner

I just finished my revision of FFTT. It’s almost 2:00 a.m. New Haven has gone to bed. I’m buzzy, agitated. Like James Caan in Misery, I want my one cigarette upon completion. Actually, I need help with three outstanding items:

–Does any remember Jay McInerny doing scotch ads? If so, was it Dewar’s? Or what brand was it?

–“Query letters that sound as if they were penned Crazy Eddie, instead of a thoughtful writer…” They want me to swap “Crazy Eddie” for a more contemporary nutcase? I’m drawing a blank. Any ideas?

–I also need to replace Don King as an example of a nutcase self-promoter. Any names come to mind?

I know this isn’t your job. If a bribe of any sort would help, name it. Scotch, cigarettes, a signed copy of the 10th anniversary revision of The Forest for the Trees. I want to tell you something. When the book was first published, I used to dis it, trying to be clever or self-deprecating. After all, I had an MFA in poetry and here I was writing an advice book. I’d gone from Sylvia Plath to Erma Bombeck. My husband described my behavior as “psychotic disassociation.” I knew he was right. I was weirdly ashamed. Who the hell was I? I trashed my own book and acted like it was funny. Fast forward ten years. I’m still an asshole, and I mean that in the best sense of the word. I’m also proud the little fucker is still in print. God knows, I’m lucky to have the chance to make it better and update it. Only here’s my new iteration of self-flagellation: oh, you had to rope them into letting you revise the book instead of creating something NEW. I hope, if you are a writer, you will applaud this new low.

Filed under: Writers, Writing | 22 Comments »

See the Sky About To Rain

Posted on October 16, 2009 by betsylerner

Susan Klebold, mother of Dylan Klebold, speaks out for the first time since her son perpetrated one of the worst school shootings (with Eric Harris) and then took his own life ten years ago. I read the piece because I worked with Dave Cullen, author of Columbine, for a decade and was deeply involved in the story. After I read the piece, published in O Magazine, I put my head down on my kitchen table and wept. Her words of despair about the loss of her son and the guilt over the lives he took is rendered with tremendous clarity and honesty. I could not stop crying. In the end she talks about suicide, how it can be prevented, how she hopes her piece will help others see what she didn’t see. It’s not a neat ending. It’s just an ending.

I realized today that I never quite took it all in. Yes, there were always vivid moments, many of them, that Dave wrote about that were horrifying and heartbreaking no matter how many drafts I read. His efforts to understand the boys were nothing short of heroic. But for me, I was working on a manuscript with a writer, I was thinking about structure, tone, and transitions. When I talked about the people in the book I often referred to them as characters and thought about how to keep track of such a huge cast, how to keep readers from losing track. I thought about pacing. That is my job. That’s what I help writers do. And I think I’m guided by a deep feeling of empathy for people as much as by my desire help writers fully realize their creative work. But right now none of that seems like much.

Filed under: Uncategorized | 12 Comments »

A Pocket Full of Horses

Posted on October 15, 2009 by betsylerner

I’m working with three new clients right now and I feel like I’m at the Kentucky Derby watching these incredible horses make their final circuit to the finish line as we prepare their proposals for submission. And this is also proof positive that I am an editor in agent’s clothing because there is nothing more satisfying for me than to see a revision come in stronger than I had even imagined, that my edits could, even in some small way, inspire a writer to greater success. I’m not saying it’s not fun to handpick editors, pitch books, field offers, and cash checks. That’s swell, too.

It’s funny because I always rail, even perversely, against the “process” people, against the “journey” people. Because I’m about results, winning, success. I say in FFTT, (and I’m paraphrasing myself, ha ha).,readers don’t give a shit about your process, only that your work appears seamless. And I believe that. But if I were to be honest with myself, I have to say I love this process. I love watching writers and writing improve. I love being part of it. So I guess I’m a big pussy after all.

Filed under: Agent, Client | 5 Comments »

When You Got Nothing, You Got Nothing To Lose

Posted on October 14, 2009 by betsylerner

National Book Awards failed to recognize two of my clients. Big mistake.

I was going to tell you what books have influenced John Cusack (thanks to O Magazine), but I’m in too shitty a mood. Instead, this is an open letter to John Cusack’s agent and manager: WHAT THE FUCK? How come you guys can’t get him anything better than some dumbass martian kid movie and that other widower one that stares at me from my video store shelf like some filthy sock puppet that the dog doesn’t even want. Do I have to remind anyone how hot and sensitive this guy was? And I was a Sean Penn girl myself. Okay, I’m sure we don’t need to elaborate on that (Hamm v. Byrne, etc.). Still, I’m a book agent and I think I could get him a better movie part. A monkey could. Proof: In production he has something called “Hot Tub Time Machine,” and in development, “Cosmic Bandit.” I rest my case. Or is there something about him we don’t know, something some genius publicist has kept out of the papers? If so, she works hard for the money. Does everybody know some secret about Cusack but me?

Okay, I’m feeling a little better.Here are the books that influenced Lloyd Dobler:

JC: Fear and Loathing, To Kill a Mockingbird, Bob Dylan Chronicles, The Great Thoughts, The Shock Doctrine

Here are the books that influenced Squeaky Lerner:

BL: Carrie, In Cold Blood, I Am Third, Helter Skelter, Ariel.

And last, I just pulled this quote from Cusack on IMDB:

“Martian Child was just a movie the studio [New Line Cinema] offered me and it was the best job I could get at the time. It was about a relationship between a guy and another kid, and I thought that was good. It was a sweet movie. They offered it to me and that was the extent of that. Grace Is Gone was something I REALLY wanted to do.”

Now I feel REALLY bad. I’m going to rent Grace Is Gone, aka Unwanted Sock Puppet. But seriously, I think it’s time for him to do an HBO tv series, if anyone at WME is listening. Hello? John, call me.

Filed under: Books, Film, Media | 12 Comments »

I’m Rubber and You’re Glue

Posted on October 13, 2009 by betsylerner

Michiko Kakutani ripped Jonathan Lethem a new one in her review today of his new novel, Chronic City. She is, of course, famous for this kind of attack but it’s been a while and I was growing old and getting fat reading about luminous this and numinous that. These are, by far, her two favorite words. I hate those words. Moving right along. She called the novel, in case you missed it, “tedious,” “overstuffed,” “a lot of pompous hot air,” “insipid,” “plasticky puppets,” “lame and unsatisfying.”

I’m not particularly interested in her taste, agenda, what have you. What I want to know is how Lethem’s feeling. Does this mean another ten years in therapy or is he able to shrug it off, so many books behind him, his literary stature seemingly secure. I’m writing because when I read a review this rabid, I get scared. And I think about what it is to put yourself on the line as a writer. It’s easy to forget about the vulnerability involved when it looks like a published writer has it made what with publications, teaching positions, awards and so forth. When one of my clients gets a bad review, I want to say, hey, c’mon, my kid deserved a B+. That wasn’t fair! Then we spend lots of time talking about how fucked up the review was, how wrong, how the reviewer had an agenda, how it doesn’t make a difference in the overall scheme of things. And sometimes I say, don’t forget, tomorrow that newspaper will be used to pick up dog shit. (Though, of course, most people use plastic baggies.)

Well, Michiko just sold at least one book for Mr. Lethem. I’ve never read him and now I’m totally intrigued. It’s like when my mother says she hates a movie; I rush out to see it the next chance I get.

Filed under: Books, Media, Writers | 6 Comments »

What’s Your Sign?

Posted on October 12, 2009 by betsylerner

I was contemplating a survey asking what books editors were ashamed of reading when, lo and behold, People had the very same idea. Kelly Ripa was ashamed of having read Sextrology, which is about what your sign means sexually — what you’re attracted to. She covered it with a magazine in the park so no one could see! Kelly, I’m a Leo, ’nuff said. (Friends, if you have a moment, click on the link and check out the authors’ names. I love life.)

Kathy Griffin (who I believe scored a 2 million dollar book deal?!?) says someone “gave” her L. Ron Hubbards’ Dianetics “as a joke.” Or not.

And Emily Deschanel (does anyone know who she is?) listens to new age, self help books on tape in the car. She says it’s embarrassing when the guy valet parking can hear the tape blasting, “You are so beautiful.” That’s funny, my self-help tape screams, “You fucking loser.” And the valet doesn’t give a shit.

I’ve been thinking about what books I’ve been embarrassed to be caught reading. Just today, at Urban Outfitters, I gravitated over to their highly merchy book table and picked up What’s Your Poo Telling You? And, like the last two times I picked it up, the page opened to a discussion on the difference between floaters and sinkers.

What crap are you reading?

Filed under: Books, The End of the World as We Know It, Uncategorized | 21 Comments »

The First Cut Is The Deepest

Posted on October 9, 2009 by betsylerner

CAN YOU MATCH THE FIRST LINES WITH THE WRITERS? The first person to successfully match all the lines to their authors will win something. It’s probably some free books because, as you may know, I’m no longer giving away my “vintage” Forest for the Trees pencils with the erasers as hard as witches’ tits. But it could be something else. Depends who wins. Extra credit if you can name all the novels, too.

This morning I got a note from my aunt asking me to come for lunch.
This was the year he rode the subway to the ends of the city, two hundred miles of track.
In accordance with the law the death sentence was announced to Cincinnatus C. in a whisper.
My name is Ruth.
Two mountain chains traverse the republic roughly from north to south, forming between them a number of valleys and plateaus.
The North Carolina Mutual Life Insurance agent promised to fly from Mercy to the other side of Lake Superior at three o’clock.
In the Oakland Greyhound all the people were dwarfs, and they pushed and shoved to get on the bus, even cutting in ahead of the two nuns, who were there first.