Betsy Lerner

The 82nd Academy Awards: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN RAINBOWS – Guest Post by Erin Hosier

Posted on March 8, 2010 by betsylerner

I went over to Betsy’s Sunday night to watch the Oscars. Her family plied me with reheated pizza, artichoke salad and birthday cake. In return I honored them with a yappy dog and this non-live blog.

OVERALL, the whole thing was appalling. I’m mostly referring to the aesthetic of the show, its alarming tackiness, the preponderance of uncomfortable moments, not to mention the horrible posture of so many of the presenters –
Kristen Stewart should be banished until she can stand up straight. But at least James Cameron didn’t win. Some random notes…

THE FASHION was a mixed bag. An orange Sarah Jessica Parker looked as if she were dressed by Barbara Streisand‘s coke dealer. Samuel L. Jackson, again with the Kangol cap. Meryl looked cool in white, and Miley Cyrus looked like Satan’s whore. (And someone needs to teach these young actresses how to speak.) Kate Winslet appeared weirdly 90’s in a silver sheath; why she would depart with McQueen is anyone’s guess. Sandra Bullock talked on the red carpet about “the journey,” but she looked perfect and Betsy defended her for leaving LA, producing her own movies, yeah, yeah. Gabourey Sidibe has personality plus and was regal in Marchesa. When Oprah feted her from the stage it was like being kissed by God. Vera Farmiga’s scarlet cream puff was a little too JonBenet for my taste; but thank God looking at Rachel McAdams is like looking in the mirror.

BEST DRESSED: Charlize Theron. J’adore Dior.

COMMERCIALS: Whoopi Goldberg‘s 10-minute shill for Poise, a product that deals with, um, “I just peed a little” female incontinence was simply unforgiveable. Fire your agent. Additionally, Cervical Cancer borrowed Breast Cancer’s ad agency for a spot aimed at making us feel unsure about our wombs, a total downer.

BEST MOMENT: Did you catch Samuel L. Jackson’s eye-roll when Mo’Nique walked off with Best Supporting? Genius!

BETSY’S KEEN OBSERVATIONS: Betsy nodded off throughout the night, claiming her early writing hours were to blame; I still wanted to check her arms. She liked “An Education” well enough even though Peter Saarsgard is creepy. She also claims to know that Jeremy Renner was a porn star. She didn’t miss Jack Nickolson. She thought the Martin/Baldwin co-hosting “worked.” She is basically in love with gentle giant Katherine Bigelow. She thought Jeff Bridges seemed pretty high. (Hhe reminds me of Bill Roorbach. Actually, Betsy thought most of the actors were stoned. She would know. Oh, ots of Jewish jokes, which Betsy laughed at too hard. I have to admit I didn’t get half the jokes in A Serious Man; do you have to be Jewish?

AND THE WINNER IS: Nobody doesn’t like Sandra Bullock. Holy Veronica Lake, not bad for 45, but I was hoping for an upset in this category.

I’m kind of glad “Up in the Air “got shut out. Clooney’s okay but Vera Farmiga‘s character was all wrong. I love that actress but she was forced to wear satin blouses from 1992 and the big reveal in their relationship is one of cinema’s unlikeliest fantasies. Anna Kendrick reminds me of the most uptight editorial assistant ever to pinch her size 8 foot into a corporate heel from Talbot’s.

Good for you, Kathryn Bigelow. “The Hurt Locker” was pretty good. Sorry everyone is being sued now by the real-life dude whose story it is.

Crazy Heart: the feel good alcoholic story of the year. Am I alone in my disappointment with that one? Spoiler alert: nothing happens. Jeff Bridges still manages to look cool even when he’s fat and dry heaving. I guess he’s broke or something? The journalist gal with the C-section scar falls for him, but then he loses her kid at a bar and goes to rehab and learns his lesson. My favorite scene is when he’s in the ‘hab and hanging out in the gazebo having a coffee, and one of those entertainment lawyer types comes over, puts his hand on Bridges’ shoulder, squeezes, and says, “We’re really glad you’re here.”

Wish I could have said the same.

-EH

Filed under: Film, The End of the World as We Know It | 15 Comments »

As We Lie In Fields of Gold

Posted on March 5, 2010 by betsylerner

First, I just want to say hey to all the haters out there who commented on today’s blog. I sometimes wonder why I spend so much time blogging; well today there is no doubt. To drag everyone down with me. Thank you, thank you.

Finally, I have a very special treat for you on Monday. My first guest blogger who will give you a round-up of the Oscars that will kill you. Nobody does it better. See you on the red carpet!

Filed under: The End of the World as We Know It | 5 Comments »

You Know I Need You

Posted on March 4, 2010 by betsylerner

I need you like the flower needs the rain.

When I was a young editor, there was an editor, maybe two years older than I was, but miles ahead of me in her career, who I was insanely jealous of. I didn’t even like her books that much, but she was clearly a player and she was very beautiful. Over time, the gap closed and I had my own stable of authors. But the jealousy never abated. Just the sheer mention of her name made me crazy when she acquired a book or climbed the publishing ladder to even greater heights. At some point during this time, I came up with the Bete Noire Theory of Publishing. This is when one particular person out there is the focal point of all your envy. The sick part is that you need this person like the winter needs the spring. And I believe every editor has one. One editor who sees all the same projects, gets courted for all the same jobs, who wins auctions and beds interns. (I don’t actually approve of bedding interns, but that’s another post.)

I also believe that most writers have their own Bete Noire. You know the writer who has agents clamoring for her. The writer The New Yorker plucked for their debut fiction issue. The one whose book gets optioned by George Clooney, or after having flop after flop still gets a lucrative contract from Knopf. Or maybe it is the one who wrote about what you’re still trying to write about. Or who received a Pulitzer for a book you couldn’t read it was so…downmarket. Or who has a great husband five kids and is about to publish her sixth novel. Or worse, the one whose husband left her, has five kids, a rare disease that’s eroding her vision and is still about to publisher her sixth novel. These fuckin’ people.

Who makes you crazy? Who is the one? And you don’t have to name names, though we surely wouldn’t stop you.

Filed under: Editor, The End of the World as We Know It | 50 Comments »

Rubber Chicken

Posted on March 3, 2010 by betsylerner

Dear Friends of My Blog:

Today’s post writes itself. At 11:45 I headed down Fifth Avenue on foot. I was wearing my one and only suit, my lucky gold watch, and in my pocket an invitation to the Barnes & Noble 2009 Discover Great New Writers Awards. I think you can see where this is going…Winner of this year’s Discover Award is the handsome and gifted Dave Cullen for Columbine. It was very Oscar what with the nominees and fancy writer announcers and suspense as they called third, second and first prize. I loved it when Dave thanked me. I looked down at the floor, feigning humility when I was really pumped and teary at the same time. I looked up and everyone at the table from Hachette was clapping. And I started clapping. And then I had an out of body moment when I thought for just a second that I was an extra in Rosemary’s Baby. That’s normal, right? Dave got a crystal sculpture that could easily double as a weapon in a pinch. That motherfucker looked sharp!

Dave, for your ten years, for your exhaustive research, for your incredible writing, for never giving up when it was well past time to give up, for your hugely compassionate heart and the integrity with which you told this tragedy: I salute you.

Winner, Non Fiction, 2009 Barnes & Nobler Discover Award

Filed under: Client, You Go Girl | 27 Comments »

No One I Think Is In My Tree

Posted on March 2, 2010 by betsylerner

I’ve been thinking a lot about the comments on Monday in response to my tantrum about my own writing. I never expected to have such kind responses, encouraging and supportive. That’s because I’m always expecting what my own brain doles out: buck up, get to work, you’re a piece of shit (actually it’s you’re a fat piece of shit but we don’t need to get ugly here), you’re a phoney, no one cares about your lame ass excuses, etc. Whenever people say, you shouldn’t be so hard on yourself, I always want to reply: then who will be? It has never occurred to me to be nice to myself, which is probably why I loathe the entire self-help industry, spirituality, and whistling.

The thing is, your comments got to me: it’s winter, the toughest time usually comes before a breakthrough (or breakdown), you’re not alone, something about an insect near my vee-jayjay, and the clay. I want to thank everyone who commented. I’ve never known a writer to say, I’m at the top of my game, or I killed a new chapter this morning, or I’ve got my next five books outlined, or People seem to really love my writing. It’s so much darkness and even more scratching. It’s living inside your head, brutal and beautiful.

What I want to know is: what do you tell yourself? What is the drumming in your head?

Filed under: Writing | 48 Comments »

Joining the World of Missing Persons and She Was

Posted on March 1, 2010 by betsylerner

Betsy:

Thank you for your wonderful blog.

I hope this question doesn’t seem too trivial. On the matter of sending a snail mail query letter: Does it make any difference if the letterhead is professionally printed (e.g., from Office Depot) or does it suffice to go with 24-lb stock and your own laser printer? Will that matter to an agent?

Again thank you.

Dear Kind Person: No question is too trivial, especially after a day like today.* The more trivial the better. Anyway, you don’t need professionally printed letterhead. In fact, you don’t need letterhead at all. In fact, you don’t need paper. Most agents accept email queries. If you still want to send snail mail, just format your letter as you would a business letter. Letterhead always looks a little too, um, self-important. Worse is when the letterhead comes with a little illustration of a pen, for example, or a typewriter, or some mind/body symbol that encourages one to break free. I hope that answers your question. Now, back to our regularly scheduled programming.

Remember the “pounds or pages” challenge? Well, I just had my first writing session with my boot camp coach. I gave him an assignment to write three pages on something that relates to his story. He did a great job (far better job than I am doing shedding weight), and it was very pleasurable to be in a teaching mode. To talk about basics such as tense, pov, pacing, conflict and tension. I liked slipping my agent skin, not thinking about whether something was saleable, or fighting over an e-book royalty, or chasing a royalty statement, or rejecting a project that has so much going for it, but you just don’t feel it.

How are you all doing? I think we said thirty pages or ten pounds by April 1. If you’re not going to make your goal, adjust it. As my trainer says, a 70% success rate is a very good outcome.

Filed under: FAQ, Protocol | 11 Comments »

Here We Are Now Entertain Us

Posted on February 28, 2010 by betsylerner

Two dog hand puppets?

Many people who read my memoir said it was “brave.” Every time I heard that word, I immediately translated it to “crazy.” Isn’t that what they really meant, that it was crazy to expose so much of my life? I used to cavalierly say that the only thing people knew about me after reading the memoir was whether I could write. But I’d feel embarrassed and exposed and not brave. Not too long ago, my shrink wondered why the people in my family felt a need to make their stories public. Because we’re whores? Because we didn’t get enough attention? Because attention was, at our dinner table, love. Because love was food. And food was a weapon. And writing is a weapon. And sex should not be a weapon but sometimes it feels too good to resist. And if writing is shit on a stick, how can you not wave it around?

I am lost today. I have no idea why I write or what I want to say. I am angry and distressed and cannot locate the grid. I gave my shrink my books and she never said another word about them? Do you think she’s read them? I’m painting her as a jerk, but she’s actually the best person I’ve ever worked with. Her name is Betsy! Talk about transference. Talk about a room where you can say anything. Where what you say and what you need say are like the distance between you and the page. What does it take to get there: courage or skill, need or craft, desire or discipline? Brave or crazy?

Filed under: Writing | 54 Comments »

Sometimes When We Touch The Honesty’s Too Much

Posted on February 25, 2010 by betsylerner

Hi Betsy,

Thank you for ‘The Forest for the Trees.’ Great book. Are there any forms of persuasion that entice you back into editorial hire? $$$$? Good looks? The Yin-Yang swing of your text might lead a young stud to believe your interest in things pendulous is an opening…I have an important book you see…one that could change the way we think about everything…it hinges on, of all things, the history of writing. Can you recommend a good editor? I want one. Also, I went to self-publishing boot camp and was told to fuck the system and do it myself. Do you concur?

Sincerely Yours,

The Editor and The Young Stud

Dear Sin:

So glad you wrote in. Lots of people ask me if I think about going back into editorial, but few (none) have wondered what it might take to get me back: $$$$, good looks, a young stud’s pendulum. Yes, there are things that entice me as I count my 15% at the end of the day and wonder about the riches sitting there atop editorial hill. I also like: gin, Monte Carlos, milk shakes, thread count, lipsticks, titties and fine time pieces. As far as fucking the system and doing it yourself, I prefer to work within the system and fuck myself. Thanks for writing. Sincerely yours, B

Filed under: Uncategorized | 27 Comments »

Might As Well Face It You’re Addicted

Posted on February 24, 2010 by betsylerner

My name is Betsy and I’m a “writer.”

Hi, Betsy, Welcome.

I want to thank everyone for being here tonight. I’m grateful to the rooms, to all of you, and to my HP. (I nod my head here to signal my humility.) I tried to stop writing a year ago. I told myself I could handle it. I wrote because I wanted to, not because I had to. I wrote when I was happy, when I was sad, lonely, angry, horny. Eventually I wrote for any damn reason. (The room nods back in assent.) But then I hit bottom. I started stealing, lying, hiding my manuscripts. One night, the cops pulled me over, they caught me: jotting notes in my Moleskin while driving. That’s why I’m here. And with your help, and god’s grace, I will quit writing one day at a time.

Would anyone else like to share?

Filed under: The End of the World as We Know It | 34 Comments »

Everybody Wants to Shine

Posted on February 23, 2010 by betsylerner

If you’ve been following the blog in the last two weeks, you know that I went to LA and in four days saw exactly ONE celebrity, Josh Duhamel. And if I’m going to be completely honest, I’m not 100% certain it was Duhamel. Tonight, however, at the revival of Sam Shephard’s A Lie of the Mind, I saw: Mike Nichols (he looks amazing), Natalie Portman (looks amazing), and John Lithgow (looks t-terrif). There were tons of characters actors upon whom spotting you say, “isn’t that so and so?” and “wasn’t he in such and that?” Very fun, buzzy new york night.

Which followed a moody day, contemplating some of the comments from yesterday and trying to better understand this four-way stop my writing career has taken. I want to thank everyone who offered generous observations and Vivian Swift, in all her wisdom, who reminded us that a) it is February and b) leave the hair alone.

And last, why is Betsy Lerner such a star-fucker? Any insights?

Filed under: The End of the World as We Know It | 16 Comments »

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