Betsy Lerner

Now You Won’t Stop Calling Me, I’m Kinda Busy*

Posted on August 23, 2010 by betsylerner

Good god, how do the bloggers do it every day? I know people who get paid to do it, so that’s one thing, but right now I have a fever and some kind of all-over body ache and I can’t even keep the goldfish down. (The ones by Pepperidge Farm, not the kind that silently judge you while you make love with your spouse.) Anyway, I wanted to at least say hi and leave you with something, anything, to keep you hanging on till Lerner gets back.

These images are from a website called Better Book Titles by a comedian named Dan Wilbur, who was bummed everytime he went to the bookstore to browse and couldn’t tell from the cover or jacket copy what the heck the book was supposed to be about. So he made new covers so America could get the gist. Some of them are funnier than others, you know, but this is the best thing I saw today through my fever haze.

Is The Girl With the Pearl Earring Tattoo worth reading? Cause when books get this popular I simply skip em.

* This post was written by Erin Hosier, who has studied under Betsy Lerner for 2666 years.

Filed under: Books, Media, Uncategorized, Writers, Writing | 17 Comments »

I Put a Spell on You*

Posted on August 20, 2010 by betsylerner

Ilan is the one on the right. Visiting Auschwitz.

A little known fact about Betsy Lerner is that she rolls with a posse of young men who all worship her. To this day my hottest, youngest ex-boyfriend is always texting me, asking after Lerner. What would Betsy think of this? Will she come to my new girlfriend’s housewarming party? It’s eerie. She just connects with the young men in a way that I think eludes most of us. Or maybe it’s not just guys – she also worked her magic on me when I was a girl of 25, and she’s totally tight now with Yale’s best offering to America, the great publishing intern, Casey Blue. But my favorite of all her boys is Ilan Zechory, the young man pictured at left. He’s happily pre-engaged with a very capable girlfriend, but if I were even five years younger I’d try to show him my vulnerable side. That’s how funny and cool he is. Anyway, now we’re both just happy to be part of the Lerner Posse, and I thought ya’ll would like to hear from him about it.

Ilan, for the folks at home, how did you and Betsy meet? Betsy and I took a screenwriting workshop together at Yale. I was an undergraduate and she was the continuing education lady. During the first couple classes, every time someone said something stupid or bizarre, she’d desperately scan the room to see if anyone had noticed. I noticed, and we bonded. We quickly moved on to pre- and post-class chit chat, snack-sharing, etc.

Do you have other older-than-you woman friends or is Betsy the first? My grandma is the OG killer lunch date, but she’s a shrink, so she tells great stories. Betsy is, however, the first mature woman I can talk to about NSFMom content (nudity, violence, strong sexual content, my “art”). This has been psychologically fortifying. Betsy’s not going to like this answer at all…

I know, but I think it’s cool. She really is so down and gives the very best advice. For me, recently, we were talking about relationships and she said, “You know how everyone always says that you have to love yourself before you can really love someone else or be loved in return? I’m here to tell you, you don’t.” She always says exactly the right think in the moment. Can you remember a piece of advice that BL gave you that was really good? With me it’s a lot of of “No no, no, it’s NOT shit” type stuff, trying to keep my self-loathing in check. I could look back through my emails and find something more aphoristic. One time she told me “Your twenties just suck…” and that I should hold out for a better decade. That’s a thought that’s sustained me pretty well for the past few years.

Your first job in NYC was with Google, right? Are you writing? What are you doing now? After college I went to L.A. to work as a writing intern for David Milch. After a while L.A. started to make my teeth bleed, so I googled “good job in new york” and ended up with a job at Google in New York. Betsy wrote me a killer recommendation letter littered with false statements. I quit that job at the height of the recession (baller!!), and now I split my time between practicing clinical hypnosis and running Rap Genius, a website that explains the meaning of rap lyrics.

See what I’m saying? Don’t you think Lerner should open a school for wayward youth?

Wonderful Commenters: Besides wanting to hear your favorite Lerner one-liner or advice, what I really wanna know is: have you ever been hypnotized? And what was it like? What does it do? Should we throw Ilan some business? Can I watch?

*Betsy Lerner is on vacation so this post was written by Erin Hosier

Filed under: Friend, Screenwriting, self-loathing, Uncategorized, You Go Girl | 20 Comments »

The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face*

Posted on August 19, 2010 by betsylerner

I have a bad habit. Okay, I have several, but here’s the one I’m most proud of: I think I can tell how somebody writes by looking at their author photo. And basically that’s how I decide which of the Important Books to skip, because really, who has time to read them all? Before you have a freakout about how mean I am, I swear it’s not a beauty contest. It’s more subtle than that. There are some bushy browed dogs out there who still do it for me, who really seem to inhabit their faces the way the voice inhabits the page. I’m looking at you Philip Roth. Not a beauty, but a Dick That Gets the Job Done. Ditto Bukowski, says my friend Sean. Maybe Fran Lebovitz isn’t a conventional beauty, but I like the vibe she gives off in a photo.

Jonathan Franzen, not so much. I mean, way to man up for the cover of Time, homie. I know he’s America’s Author, but all I see is America’s milquetoast. I suppose he’s conventionally handsome and the article mentions his perfectly tossled hair, but I look at his face and I think of the word limpid. I flash back to how he deprived Oprah’s masses of his gifts on the grounds that he didn’t want to, or something. I see pictures of Jonathan Franzen and I think of all the emo narcies who ever tried to teach me to crochet. Five bucks says he sits down to pee.

This is why I haven’t finished The Corrections and why I’m making it my Life’s Goal to make it through the new novel. I have a feeling it’s a much more rigorous Forrest Gump. Even as I write this I feel that guilty tug of you guys in my ear: You don’t even know what you’re talking about. All the reviews are raves. Read it before you judge. But I’m telling you I’ve already made up my mind.

Botox. I’m not against it. There is a way to use injectables in moderation, so that you still look like you’re made of flesh. But Mary Karr: frozen in bitchface. Can’t read her stuff, don’t like her attitude. I imagine if she were a visual artist, she’d paint in menstrual blood. Her perma-scowl makes me want to pick a fight about the origins of her stupid faith.

For Botox done well, see John Grisham, Jackie Collins and Justin Bieber.

Who can’t you help but loathe on sight?

* Erin Hosier, whose blog style is “on the rag,” is not the same person as Betsy Lerner, whose blog style is “perimenopausal” and on vacation.

Filed under: Agent, Authors, Bestseller, Books, Literary Agent, Media, Uncategorized, Writers | 53 Comments »

Kiss Me and Smile For Me

Posted on August 17, 2010 by betsylerner

The Hose

Dearest darling readers of this blog:

I am going on vacation to a place where they don’t have telephones, computers, or any electronics. I’m going to London. In my stead, I put you in the very worthy hands of my friend, colleague and writing collab, Erin Hosier. She has been most famous lately for her scathing blogs about the publishing business, but among her many other talents she is also one half of the cult-y Literary Death Match extravaganza. You are in for some fun. And if she tells you I eat expensive Finnish yogurt, she’s lying.

Love you and leave you, Betsy

p.s. I’ll be back

Filed under: You Go Girl | 14 Comments »

Long May You Run

Posted on August 16, 2010 by betsylerner

Did you download the new Franzen?

The night I saw The Planet of the Apes, something happened that would forever change my life. It was the birth of my youngest sister, Gail. Far more beautiful and talented than I, which is saying something given my abundance of talent and beauty, she arrived a blue-eyed, blond- haired, dimpled-faced darling who would bring much joy into our lives. But back then, her arrival meant only one thing to me, the relinquishment of my place as the beloved youngest and daddy’s girl. And somehow this tragedy was fused with the movie and its charred landscape peopled by hirsute beings with major league opposables, which would eventually reveal itself to be New York City and our beloved planet earth, though I didn’t understand that then the same way I didn’t get that it was the Nazis who had to go an cock up everything in Sound of Music.

What does this have to do with publishing. This: last week’s discussion of ebooks has really gotten under my skin. Even our beloved August chimed in on behalf of the device. Really, dude? And you think you know a person you know nothing about. Ha. I guess all I’m saying is when it comes time for the opposables to take over, the Kindles and Finger Fucks are going to litter the ground like so many shells. When the landscape is a torch and a bit of subway tile, when shirtless men ride bareback, when Barnes and Noble sells furs and pelts and Whole Foods bison and deer — this will be a time when you’re wanting paper and glue. I know I risk sounding like I live in Ludville, and I know the times are a changin’ but I want to die with you Wendy on the streets tonight in an everlasting kiss.

Where did I leave my charger? Crap!

Filed under: E-books | 26 Comments »

Is This the Beginning, Or is This the End?

Posted on August 12, 2010 by betsylerner

Just this week, Newsweek reports that Kindle sales exceed Amazon’s hardcover list. A new weekly digital magazine is launching headed up by former magazine journalists and editors. The NYT reports that ebooks have gone from 2.9% of trade book sales to 8.5% over the last year. Predictions are up to 40% within 3-5 years. And, for fuck’s sake, Pete Hamill is publishing his new book only in an e-book edition. Though he did wonder what he’d sign at the book signing. Good question.

Peeps, is the sky falling or are we at the most exciting revolution in the evolution of reading and the dissemination of content? Would you be happy with just having an e-book? Why does it feel like straight to video to me. I have to admit having schlepped two manuscript bags to Baltimore that I wondered if I should break down and get a Kindle, Nook, or Finger Fuck.

As an agent, I have to take it seriously and make sure that my clients are getting best royalties and are aware of the ebook opportunities. But as a human, I simply have no interest. Books are perfect objects. But hey, I still miss removing a record from its sleeve and settling it down on the turntable, lowering the arm, the hiss, the pop.

Today, a client showed me a first edition signed copy of Finnegan’s Wake. When I saw Joyce’s inimitable signature in pale blue ink, I got goosebumps. What is more beautiful than a bookcase? How better to seduce a woman? What is a house without books? Oh, and that lovely pocket in the back of a library book, the card stamped with crooked dates, the pages talc with use. Am I a fool? Are the trees no longer weeping? Are there books in trees? Caps for sale? Oh lord, take me up, lift the type from the pages, set them free. Kill me.

Filed under: E-books, The End of the World as We Know It | 54 Comments »

Good Morning Baltimore

Posted on August 11, 2010 by betsylerner

Writing from the Towson Sheridan after the talks on all things agent: how to find one, query one, fire one.I tried to stay upbeat except for the one moment when I think I said to prepare for a life of misery.

Now, I’m having a Law and Order relapse. Damn, I thought I kicked this thing.Oh, god, gotta go, Detective Benson has to make a hard decision. More soon.

What are you addicted to?

Filed under: Uncategorized | 25 Comments »

Picture Yourself In a Train In a Station

Posted on August 10, 2010 by betsylerner

Going to a writer’s conference tomorrow where I hope to inform and inspire. Who am I kidding? I’m hoping to sell books. Lots of ’em. And try not to devastate or discourage anyone too much, or sound like a yappy insider.

These gatherings are always anxiety producing because you know that most of the people hate you, or the you that is the face of publishing, the wall of rejection that seems too tall to scale. And no matter how many tricks of the trade you divulge or yucks you get, you still feel a little shabby, a little complicit, a lot insincere even though you really mean what you’re saying and are grateful to anyone with your book in their hands which seems like a small miracle.

You know these things are valuable but want to say go home. Write. And don’t come out until you have a book. You want to say, this isn’t for you, this writing business. You want to say self-publish, release an e-book, buy Barnes and Noble (it’s up for sale). You want to say climb a tower with a megaphone, go to the Dead Sea, learn braille, imagine kissing the person sitting next to you. You want to say eat fried rice, drink martinis with your client’s parents and throw up in the Four Seasons. Or say: get insurance, think about your footwear and ordering well and what your manicurist is whispering to her friend as she rubs cheap cream into the palm of your hand. You don’t need me. You don’t need anyone. Writing is not a river from which you can save yourself. Let the current take you. Let the rocks be rocks. The water cold or bath warm. May we all rot. May we not be reminded that even the dead were once schoolchildren, plaid, small, willing.

What would you tell them?

Filed under: Agent, The End of the World as We Know It | 22 Comments »

I Don’t Care If I Never Get Back

Posted on August 9, 2010 by betsylerner

Thanks to everyone for such warm birthday wishes. I had a great day. Yankees, hot dogs, old friends, lots of cards and calls, and all you wonderful commenters and one lurker. A lurker!