Sold my first book of the new year. There is no better moment in an agent’s life than when you make that call to a first time writer with the news: we have an offer. For just one brief spell, you are a fairy godmother. And in that one sentence, a writer becomes an author. Getting published for the first time is a bit like losing your virginity except it hurts more.I’m wondering how you deflowered authors out there feel.

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It dawned on me this morning as I rejected nine submissions that it’s a bit fatuous, to say the least, to critique the rejecting habits of editors without looking at my own. One of the worst moments of my publishing life arrived when I met a writer, now a McArthur Genius Grant winner, who reminded me that I rejected his first novel some years earlier. Cringe. He even remembered what I said. More cringing and self-flagellation. Apparently, I said the book didn’t have a domino effect. A domino effect!? What, did I go to college at the University of Milton Bradley?What was I thinking. I’ve passed on some other big writers in my day, but he’s the one I’ll live to regret.

But back to my rejecting style. Well, all I can say in my defense is that I look at everything that comes my way. When I was a young editor I learned that Ordinary People was found in the slush pile and that had been one of my favorite books in high school. So I look at everything. And I know pretty quickly if it’s for me. And if I don’t have anything nice to say, I say it’s not for me. And if I have something constructive to say, I try to add that. I get a lot of thank you notes for my rejections which leads me to think I’m being too nice. When I mentioned this to another agent, she was astonished. She’s never received a thank you note for her rejections and she looked at me as if I were an imbecile. I’m sure I’ve sent some curt notes and I’m sure some manuscripts have fallen through the cracks.

I think writers suffer enough. But it’s also important to get your shit together and only send out material that is the best it can be and that you’ve crossed all the t’s and all that jazz. There are really good proposal writing books out there (I think Susan Rabiner wrote one), so familiarize yourself with the process; in other words when you send something out, make it your best shot. And if you get rejected, fuck em. No one can stop you but yourself.

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Ah, the avoider rejecter. This type truly is like the guy who fucks you and never calls back. At least it feels this way. Either way, he’s really, really just not that into you. With every submission we make, we find there’s always at least one editor who goes completely MIA. Even after you’ve called and pitched them a book about Hamas and they tell you they worked on a Kibbutz in high school and would be fasinated by anything about Israel, yes, even these folks sometimes completely disappear. There’s one editor who goes by the nickname Bermuda Triangle because everything you send her gets “lost.” Some editors don’t think they particularly need to respond. Deal with it. Most people don’t like conflict, except those who relish it, and I understand the desire to avoid rejecting something. But again, this is why god invented email, so that writers don’t have to suffer quite as much. After all it’s better to be rejected than to be left hanging. Though for that brief period in between, hope.

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A sanitation guy is sweeping up after the circus. The ground is covered with elephant dung and hay. A well dressed man approaches the sweeper and offers him a job in his air conditioned office building, promising to double his salary. The sweeper declines. The business man offers to triple his salary. Again, the sweeper declines. The business man offers to quadruple his pay. And, again, the sweeper declines. The business man is beside himself. He asks the sweeper what could possibly keep him here, sweeping up shit?

The sweeper shrugs, “what, and leave show business?”

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Reluctant rejecters are not all created equal. Some wait to see if a proposal or novel heats up before pursuing. It’s like the guy who only wants you once you’re with someone else.

Some really don’t know what they think, or they over think things, or they are made to feel insecure by their bosses. I’ve seen some ugly exchanges at editorial meetings back when I was an editor. I’d be reluctant, too, if my balls were cut off.

And then we have the editors who like to be nice and don’t like hurting other people (the fairer sex, I’m afraid to say, is more often guilty of this). They feel bad; hence reluctant. Fortunately for them, god invented e-mail. They also subscribe to the old saw, if you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say anything at all.

A powerful agent from one of the big shops once said that there is no point in being nice when turning down a project — it doesn’t help the writer.

If anyone ever comments here, I would love to know what you think of that sentiment. Are writers better off knowing what editors really think?

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Over the decade during which I have been doing the devil’s work, I have finally become inured to rejection letters. They come with the territory. That said, the different ways editors go about rejecting projects is fascinating. I have identified at least seven types:1) The Eager Rejecter 2) The Reluctant Rejecter 3) The Avoider Rejecter4) The Braggart Rejecter 5) The Apologetic Rejecter 6) The Sadistic Rejecter and 7) The Every-Cliche-In-the Book Rejecter.

Today, let’s talk about the Eager Rejector. The first thing to note about this type is that he hasn’t figured out that e-mail is a really useful tool with which to decline a project; there is no need to pick up the phone to reject a book. Still, the eager beaver loves to jump on the horn first thing. We have noticed that most editors reject books in the afternoon after having put it off for while. After lunch is good: we’ve all had our lunch, we’re a little less alert, and we’ll be going home soon where we can lick our wounds or drown our sorrows. Only the Eager Rejecter gets off on his ability to RUIN your day right out of the gate. Some of these types want to be thanked for being so prompt, reading so quickly. Yeah, well, thanks for finishing so quickly and kicking me out of bed, too. I mean, please. Eager rejecting is just uncool. Next up: The Reluctant Rejecter.

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Better than any mood altering medication is a glowing New York Times daily review for any one of my clients. And today that would come from critic Dwight Garner for Temple Grandin’s Animals Make Us Human. A rave. I would link it here, but I need someone to teach me how to link.  It’s amazing how when the review hits the stands the phone starts ringing. Producers want to know if film rights are available (sorry, no, soon to be an HBO film starring Clare Daines), scouts call to see if foreign rights are available, foreign publishers call, etc. This is the fun part. The a lot of fun part.

A few nights ago, I was able to see Temple talk to a class of 50 or so students from New York’s top science high schools like Bronx Science. They weren’t sure what to make of her at first, the somewhat flat voice, the Western garb she famously wears. She started by telling them what kids used to call her in high school: robot, rewind, retard. She ended by telling them about finding mentors, and the importance of perserverance.

People often refer to these moments as why they got into the business in the first place. Make no mistake: I got into the business because I needed structure and health benefits. But I’m glad I got to stay. It was beyond rewarding to see those beautiful science kids with their arms in the air.

Later, taking Temple back to the hotel, she asked after my dog. I said everything was great with her, but I had one question. The dog (a girl) humps me from time to time. Only me, not my husband, not my daughter. Why only me? Temple smiled widely, “She think she owns you.” I guess that would make me her bitch.

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One of the worst aspects of being an editor (and a new author) is the frenzy to get blurbs. Having no blurbs is like having no extra curriculars on your college application. Or no lace on your bra. It still fits, it still does its job, but where are the frills?

Most people are highly cynical and believe that you can only get blurbs from friends and through connections. This is mostly true, but it still requires a degree of chutzpah. That said, it does happen from time to time that a writer of note notices a new writer. I still have a postcard sent from William Trevor that endorsed a young Irish-American author. Just a hand written sentence from a leaky fountain pen — it meant the world to us.

From a publishing perspective, blurbs are most useful to the people inside the publishing house and the retailers to stir excitement pre-publication. People need validation. It’s one thing when an editor says that this is best novel he or she has ever read; it’s another entirely when it’s from Toni Morrison or Philip Roth. Discerning readers also scan blurbs when perusing a book. An endorsement from a respected author can be a deciding factor. [Note to self: write about spying on shoppers in bookstores.]

Much as I hated trying to get blurbs for my writers, after all who likes imposing on other people, I was never more flattered than the first time someone asked me to blurb their book. By the sixth time, it got a little tiresome especially as I was asked to blurb all the eating disorder books, you know, Fat Like Me, The Fat and the Fury, For Whom the Fat Tolls, Eat Me, to name a few. Still, I always blurbed the books, remembering how hard I worked as an editor to get support for my authors, and how much it meant to me to get some quotes on my own books.

One day, I confessed to a fellow agent that I didn’t love one of the books I blurbed. She was HORRIFIED. What about my good name? I replied that I basically traded that in when I became an agent. She didn’t laugh. She thought it was horrible of me. Was it? Was I becoming what Lucy Grealy lovingly called herself, “a blurb whore?” Bad enough to be a publishing slut.

And you can quote me on that.

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Media Alert: Neil de Grasse Tyson will be on the Jay Leno Show on Monday, January 19 and on Jon Stewart’s Daily Show on Wednesday, January 28 to explain why he spearheaded the decision to demote Pluto’s cold ass Continue reading →

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After one week on sale, Temple Grandin’s new book,  ANIMALS MAKE US HUMAN, hits the New York Times Bestseller list and at #13. I’ve worked with Temple for over twenty years, first as her editor and now as her agent. This is so sweet. Congratulations Temple! Congratulations everyone at Houghton Harcourt (talk about grace under pressure), and thanks to Temple fans old and new. Oh, don’t forget to get a copy!

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