• Forest for the Trees
  • THE FOREST FOR THE TREES is about writing, publishing and what makes writers tick. This blog is dedicated to the self loathing that afflicts most writers. A community of like-minded malcontents gather here. I post less frequently now, but hopefully with as much vitriol. Please join in! Gluttons for punishment can scroll through the archives.

    If I’ve learned one thing about writers, it’s this: we really are all alone. Thanks for reading. Love, Betsy

Is it hard to make arrangements with yourself

I’ve been working on this motherfucking screenplay all vacation. The elaborate outline bears little resemblance to what I’m doing. Yes, I’m going rogue, veering from the well-plotted piece of shit outline that seemed so brilliant  five months ago when I first wrote it. Does this ever happen to you? You walk away for a day which becomes a week which becomes a month which becomes half a year. Why do I always get the runs when I write? It isn’t that exciting. I never stopped thinking about these characters. The idea is that each one has a secret of some kind and that secret deforms them in some way. But I’m not an idea based writer. I come to everything through character. What I learned from the big deal producer who toyed with my first script like a cat with a dead mouse is that character is not best revealed through dialogue. Characters have to act. So what I’m trying to do now is scrutinize every scene, to make sure it has some inherent action, or moves the story forward.

How do you scrutinize your own work. How do you pound the shit out of it?

The Angels Got Together

I wasn’t particularly nice this year, but I got a Mac Air computer. Fuck me dead! I didn’t even ask for one, I didn’t dream of one. I made my choice of  a desktop and I lie in it.  Okay, nobody in this house liked it when I borrowed their lap top so I could post and watch In Treatment at the same time. I mean, I get it, a computer is sort of like a toothbrush. You really don’t want anyone else sticking it in their mouth.

You know those Loreal ads that say, hey, lady, you’re worth it. I was always like, fuck you I’m not worth it, I’m not worth the box it comes in. I haven’t even opened my sleek new machine. I can’t. It’s too perfect. My fingers are too stubby to type with, God. Imagine it: me posting from the local cafe, Deja Brew. Or at Blue State among the freshman and grad students. That will be me, posting from the Blue Trail on a moss covered rock. Or in my car, parked at a dead end weeping. I can write on my commuter train! On planes! On the back of my Palomino. I am one lucky son of a bitch. Thank you daughter (it was her idea). Thank you husband (it was his credit card).

Isn’t receiving better than giving?

What Can I Give You In Return

Voted most likely not to keep 2011 resolutions!

I’m patently against making resolutions. I stopped making them in 1997. Resolutions are promises you can’t keep. Resolutions are looking at yourself on January 5, 17, or 29 and being utterly disgusted. That’s me in the red flannel nightgown with 19 unfinished books next to my bed, with Mt. Etna on my chin, with a half-written screenplay and more love around my mid-section. Resolutions are for people who believe in fairies and happy endings.

Oh, I thought about restricting Blackberry use. For the new year I won’t use my Blackberry on the train, on the weekend, on the toilet. How’s that for positive change. I thought about cutting out sugar and white flour. HA  HA  HA. I thought about self love. HA HA HA. I thought about making my bed, remembering my dry cleaning ticket, moisturizing. Yes, folks, there’s a lot of positive change out there; it’s there for the taking. But here, at Betsylerner.com, it’s all about being stubbornly determined to stay the same or get worse.

So, please, without further adieu (resolve to stop using words like adieu), tell me what you’re not going to change or accomplish this year.

One Day It’s Kicks Then It’s Kicks In the Shins

Well, this incredible year is winding down. I felt like quitting publishing in March after I crashed and burned so badly on a project that I no longer trusted myself. And that, whether you are an agent, editor, publisher, or writer, is the worst. We’re all clomping around in the forest as far as I can tell, but when you realize you’ve lost your compass, well you’re fucked. All you really have is your taste, your belief, your instinct, your gut. Separate yourself from these for a moment and you are a goner. Nobody really knows what’s going to work, but believing in something and having the insanity of your convictions is crucial to any success. If you build it they will come, and all that. But of course, here in bookland, if you build it they can also ignore it, savage it, remainder it,  and pulp it.

The year for me ended on an incredible high with lots of sales and, of course, Patti’s win. It’s cyclical this business. It loves to fuck with you. I can’t believe I’ve been doing it for 25 years. This from a girl who couldn’t get a publishing job in 1982 when she  failed every typing test at every major publisher. I’ve never said this before and I may not say it again: I feel lucky.

What’s it like when you lose your way?

I See The Hate In Your Eyes, Damn Them Boys Is Too Fly

Sold my last book of 2011 today. Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa. I know many of you hate agents out there and I get it. I hated most agents when I was an editor. Taking them to lunch so they could shit on your face, if you feel me. I once took an agent out to lunch who looked at the menu and said, “If I have one more cobb salad, I’m going to kill myself.”  Another pulled a bill away as I was figuring out the tip and said, “Gimme that, I know 15% of anything.”

But you didn’t ask me about agent lunches. You didn’t ask about anything. I’m not proud of it, but I am an agent. I’m proud of the job I do for my clients, but being a professional sleaze bag is a drag. You know the one about the guy who comes home to discover that his wife and children have been raped and murdered, and his house has been burned down. The cop explains that his agent had come to his house. The guy gets all excited, really, he says, my agent came to my house.

Just for fun tonight, just because I think a little pre-holiday raging is called for, I wonder if you would share your worst agent story and no need to mention names (especially if it’s me).

I Heard There Was A Secret Chord

How can tell if your work is good? How can you tell if it’s done? how do you know if readers will feel what you want them to feel? See what you see? Why did you choose red over scarlet? Blue over cerulean? Dumb ass over douche bag? What’s the frequency, Kenneth? Is your character real or made from mix? Does your work scream amateur or does it mingle in a smoking jacket? How does time move? A day, a year, a century? A million kisses?  Is there a clock? For whom does it toll? To thine own self? Or Ruth amid the aliens? What pattern is the wallpaper, the china, the china china? Are your similes  brittle, brash, unexpected,  bashful?  Does a river run through it? Do you even know what it is “about?” And please don’t “about” me. Are you lean, concise, compressed?  Bold, sassy, expansive? Highway or my way? Back hoe or pick? Do you tap, slam, rap, dip? Brush, smudge, thumb, tongue. Do you lick it, kick it, kill it, burn it. Are you in the driver’s seat? The sandbox? The stairway to my fat heaven. Can I see your license and registration? Do you seek the sun, the sea, the long finger of love.

Who says you’re a writer?

Let’s Do Some Living After We Die

According to  Bookmovement.com, where over 26,000 book club groups are registered, here are the top twenty book club picks of 2010:

The Help, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, Sarah’s Key, Hotel on the Corner of Bitter and Sweet, The Next Thing on My List, Little Bee, A Reliable Wife, Olive Kitteridge, Cutting for Stone, The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society, Water for Elephants, The Book Thief, The Art of Racing in the Rain, Eat Pray Love, The Glass Castle : A Memoir, The Wednesday Sisters, The Elegance of the Hedgehog, The 19th Wife, The Forgotten Garden, and Three Cups of Tea.

I believe that all of these books have sold over a million copies, some many more. If you are fortunate enough to have a book go viral on the book club circuit, it is a mighty force.

Personally, I hate book clubs. I hate clubs. I like to do most things alone that most  people like to do together. These include:  eat, go to movies, take walks or run, shop, take long drives, and sing. I would rather be pummeled with a manure filled sock than  sit around and drink bad red wine and listen to anyone say that he didn’t like a character because she was unsympathetic.

Some say I hate book groups because I hate myself. Some say I hate book groups because I’m perverse. Sure. No argument from me. Some say it’s because I’m around books all day. I think it’s because the best part of reading for me is being by myself and going into some parallel universe, and sharing that with other people would be like sharing my candy. Reading for me equals solitude.

What about you?

I Went Down To The Chelsea Drugstore To Get Your Prescription Filled

Kids!  Great news! We made the top ten list of worst jobs according to Health Magazine. Writers place fourth on most likely to get depressed list.  Finally, they’re taking us seriously. Here are my top ten things I hate about writing:

 

1) Bed sores

2) The mind games

3) Can never keep enough Imodium on hand

4) The guilt

5) Having people tell you they have a story in them, too

6) The New Yorker

7) Hearing what people think

8. Night terrors

9) I’ll fuck you up, Colbert.

10) Other writers

What do you hate most about being a writer? Don’t hold back.

Let Your Heart Be Light

It’s that time of year when you might be wondering what to get that special agent, editor, or writer in your life.  Here are some suggestions (Kindles not included):

For him

 

For her


Yes you can!

From the Hemingway collection

Victorian Writing Desk

Edith Wharton's Pocket Watch

Gives new meaning to boxed set

Pen Holder

I Knew All Along That He Was All Wrong

The problem with watching too much In Treatment is that you begin to take on Gabriel Byrne’s characteristics, his brooding mien, his Irish accent, his eye twitches that signal he gets it. You start telling people to get a good look at themselves, to find the connections among various life events, to pick up the almighty pattern.  And then you try to offer a little  hope, just a wee bit of salvation or redemption or revelation. You know: insight.

I’ve always fancied myself an armchair shrink, so it doesn’t take much for me to get into character. Though, I usually wind up feeling more like the patient. Of course, I love seeing Byrne with his shrink. You know, the doctor heal thyself crap. Sometimes when I stare at my shrink, I imagine her in the most banal situations, waiting for a mammogram, running back into the laundry room to throw a Bounce in the dryer, mindlessly playing with green beans on her square plate.

Therapy is to writing as writing is to ____________________________.