When I set out to learn about my mother's bridge club, the Jewish octogenarians behind the matching outfits and accessories, I never expected to fall in love with them. This is the story of the ladies, their game, their gen, and the ragged path that led me back to my mother.
This is it: the great pre-publication weight loss challenge. Friends, I have three months to reduce before the book comes out. Take this journey with me and you will scale the heights, plummet the depths, restrict and binge, go the gym and cry in the shower. I will try on everything in my closet and throw it on the floor, throw myself on the floor. I will try to make peace with myself but there will be no peace.
My daughter reminded me of a few choice quotes from Adele:
I’m not going to lose weight because someone tells me to. I make music to be a musician not to be on the cover of Playboy.
I don’t want to eat a Caesar salad with no dressing, why would I do that?
I’ve never wanted to look like models on the cover of magazines. I represent the majority of women and I’m very proud of that.
Then my daughter said, “Would you rather have ten Grammy’s or be a size two?
Hmmmm. How about five Grammys and a size six? Two Grammys and a size 10? How about no Grammys and I wake up one fucking day of my life and not feel like a piece of shit.
P.S. What do you want most in life?
P.S.S. Please follow me on FB or give me a big Sally Field. Apparently this will help sell books. I’m not just a whore for my book. I was a whore long before this.
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Betsy Lerner 
I will buy your book and send it to my friend who endured the bridge club scene as a good Jewish wife in Sacramento until she up sticks for the Canadian wilderness along with other draft dodgers way back in the 1960’s…and I will do your weight loss trip with you as I want to be in a size 10 or 12 by the time my independently published book comes out 4 months or so from now. We think we have to look kick ass glam for our book launch…right? No one else cares.
I found you on FB – and chose the author page. Is I smart or what.
What do I want most in life? I think your blog would blow up if I tried to explain myself. It goes something like this, what I want and repercussions.
I want success. But. With success I might have to be gone. If I’m gone, my dog will likely become sick and/or die. I kid you not. This worries me.
Money. Yes, I would like a lot of money. You’re not the only whore out here.
I should want to not look so damn frumpy when I leave the house – but that means I have to take away time from writing to make myself presentable (if possible).
To have thicker hair. Just because.
And I will also join in on the weight loss schtick. This ought to be fun. (?)
Notice I didn’t go all touchy/feely about health, happiness, love. It goes without saying, right?
What a question. I want to be comfortable in my skin as they say.
Whore it up, Betsy. We’ll still respect you in the morning.
I always wanted a home and family.
One of my favorite quotes is from Marge Piercy: Fat feels good in bed.
I liked you, Sally. On FB and wherever else you choose to sell your wares.
Who the hell knows what they want most? In my advanced age I still long to be a supermodel, famous author, stage actress, and beloved humanitarian. Somedays I just want to make the best damn polenta casserole ever. Others, I wish my mom was still alive making me depressed and crazy.
I need to loose the weight of half a normal person for the book tour, but first I’d have to finish the damn book and get someone to publish it. Still, I’m up for the 3 month challenge. I’m in for 15 pounds.
While we’re at it, I wouldn’t mind being Adele.
Betsy. I’m not telling you what to do. You know how I feel about you. But next time you find yourself on the floor, do what I do to relieve stress. Act like a big floppy Sea Lion, booming voice and all. Till your kids think you’re losing it. Then stand up and look at yourself in the mirror and say, You, you gorgeous Jewish girl you, you have it. You have the looks, you have the taste, you have the smarts. You have it. Then pick your clothes up off the floor and wear what you have on. Your kids might think you’re nuts, but we won’t. Trust me.
I carry around an extra twenty-nine pounds. I thinks it’s bulk from too many crunches. My wife thinks I’m full of shit.
I’m with you.
What I want most in life, I can’t have. So what does it fucking matter, I will take what I can get. I will eat the gravel sandwich and wash it down with toilet water and I will smile and I will sing, mmm-mmm, good! and when you ask me how I am I will always lie.
💙
Tet, after all this time it’s nice to know you are still you.
Shit, it me 2Ns.
Not to get all philosophical here about my secret desire in this life (why, yes, to be famous), I have a practical tip for losing weight.
If you read about the side effects of REAL Sudafed in the Merck Manual on medications (the Sudafed only available behind the cashier when you show them an I.D.), one that’s listed is “anorexia.” I was prescribed 24 hour Sudafed years ago, for migraines, and I noticed that I simply stopped being hungry, so I looked it up to try and figure out if I was nuts.
Apparently not. Anyway, 12 hour or 24 hour Sudafed will dramatically affect your appetite. You will also have a lot more energy and sleeping is a tad problematic.
Bottom-line: you will absolutely lose weight. For short bursts of time, I highly recommend it.
Ha, losing weight is not what you think it is.
I lost a hundred pounds and was left with a body which looks like a melted candle. If I heft what’s left of my having-two-kids-and-being-fat-all-my-life-belly into my Walmart Phyllis George black slacks I don’t look that bad. Because my collar bones looked like skin colored plastic hangers I purposely stopped losing weight three years ago. In that time I have gained back a few and I am happy living on the edge of, do I go-gaunt-again, or please God, not another pound on.
What I want most in life: my bylines made into a title page and to live long enough for granddaughters to be able to read what I have written about life as a woman, a wife, a mother and a grandmother.
Huh, wha’, Anonymous is me Carolynnwith2Ns
I lost 30 pounds two years ago and have kept it off. The secret is that you have to be OK with feeling hungry, and yes, you can do that. You can get used to it so that it becomes a background sensation, a little like the constant ringing in my ears that I usually only notice when I am trying to hear silence. I cut out all my sugary snacks and after a little bit of discomfort, I totally lost my appetite for them — now I can’t even stand the idea of candy corn (used to be my favorite food) or birthday cake (my favorite breakfast). So that’s one less trigger I have to deal with…and besides, I’m more of a comfort drinker than eater. BTW, I am a size 2 and yeah, it’s really awesome. Sorry, but it is.
Actually, this was a very well-written description of what it takes to lose weight. I was a sugar hound, as well, and no longer am. It’s an addiction, and the more you eat it, the harder it is to stop. But once you’re through the process, it’s easy. In that sense, I think it’s a different sort of addiction than, say, alcohol, which I’ve also stopped at times, for very long intervals, but still want and desire.
Yes, it’s a background noise, the “hunger,” but it’s manageable if you just accept it. Don’t fight the feeling. Say, oh, there it is, that old hunger. Wonder how long it’ll last this time.
I’m a size 4. Yes, it’s awesome.
Whore or not, listen to Adele. That woman is a genius! Check out her karaoke ride with James Corden if you don’t believe me. 🙂 https://youtu.be/Nck6BZga7TQ