• Bridge Ladies

    Bridge Ladies When I set out to learn about my mother's bridge club, the Jewish octogenarians behind the matching outfits and accessories, I never expected to fall in love with them. This is the story of the ladies, their game, their gen, and the ragged path that led me back to my mother.
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It’s the Dream Afraid of Waking That Never Takes a Chance

Dear All:

I’m posting early because tonight’s the Emmy’s and as you know, I’m up for an award. They created a new category this year and it’s for the over fifty with absolutely no chance of every getting a pilot shot, let alone on the air, but thanks for filling up the world with all of your hopelessness and caramel-covered delusions, thanks for double-bagging your brilliant ideas and suffocating the life out of them, thanks for the sausage casing and thanks for the cream cheese. If only every idea you had were merely derivative, if the sound track you heard  wasn’t your own ass gasping for air. This is awarded to the person with the biggest blanket, with perfect tits and a penchant for splinters. You are here tonight because god loves you, because the stars know how to spell your name, and the password is: syndication.There was a lot of competition.

What category are you nominated in?

34 Responses

  1. The “What kind of mother can’t leave at least one bite-sized Milky Way in the drawer for her starving children” category.

    PMS gets the blame. Again.

  2. Drama. But I really want to be in the latest-greatest with that nut job Charlie Sheen.

    Is is wrong that I’m watching the Emmy’s and vowing to watch less TV?

  3. Best Supporting Actress in a Comedy, for a role that was written as Best Leading Actress in a Drama. But hell, a trophy’s a trophy, right? Just hand the damn thing over, and be sure that camera captures my best side.

  4. “Too Clueless to Quit”

  5. walked down the aisle to instrumental Dancing Queen knowing respectfully, that Muriel did it first.

  6. Best supporting cast for the miniseries remake of Sybil.

  7. I’m waiting for them to name a genre “fag hag lit”.

  8. I’m sort of edging LIsa out for the “gimme the fuckin’ chocolate” prize. The camera will zoom in on us both, in our Spanx-underweared getups grinning painfully as the envelope looms.

    I’m really glad my parental trick-or-treat days are over. No more Novembers, and the stealthy seizing of the childrens’ fun-sized morsels. It’s so much more dignified to try and turn Baker’s chocolate into something edible with the help of Sugar-in-the-Raw packets pilfered from Starbucks.

  9. Ahhh! I can’t beat that Betsy. I’d be up for the award for the best 40+ newcomer who spent ahelluvalotta years working out the plot.

  10. Most effective white noise.

  11. “thanks for filling up the world with … caramel-covered delusions, thanks for double-bagging your brilliant ideas and suffocating the life out of them, thanks for the sausage casing …”

    You were really inspired by those gold shorts, weren’t you! I’m trying to figure out where they hid those sausages.

  12. Lifetime achievement in self-recrimination.

  13. Best Lesbian Writer Writing Funnier Jokes for Jane Lynch.

  14. Seeing as I was nominated as one of the Women of the Year by a local business magazine, I’ll stick with that category for now! The past few weeks have been quite a blur of phone calls and photo shoots and new adventures- although I doubt the gold shorts guys will be at our awards luncheon.

  15. What could I win? What could I possibly win? The blank mind award?

  16. Nominated in: Never been nominated, never will be nominated, don’t much want to be nominated.

    A nomination in this category is, obviously, self-canceling, and an endless logic loop begins.

    THAT’s the kind of Emmy category I’d be interested in.

  17. I was going to think of something witty and wonderful. And then my kid shat himself. Best Wiper of Ass is really all I’ve got!

  18. America’s Got Talent of a Dubious Nature winner– (Reality Show category) — Most Likely to implode, explode or reload due to ability to simultaneously burp, fart and sneeze.
    (As a consequence of the aforementioned talent, also recipient of least likely to be invited to the post-Emmy parties).

  19. Best Cameo in The Series of Her Life

  20. Not playing the “no chance over fifty” moving right on to “defying the odds”.

  21. best fumble with the mic.

  22. The Unpaid Writings on the Internets award for hustling to make one’s dreams come true.

  23. “Not as fucked up as she think she is”

    I like to thank my family and my therapist.

  24. Best in Audience Participation.

  25. I think I’m at the bottom of Your list. But I’m not depressed! Fuck that! I think I see a shaded sliver of light at the bottom of this murky pool. I think I do. Do I? Should I? Would that be O.K.? Do I deserve this small glimpse? You know what I mean, right? Did I make sense? Did I? Could it be? Oh, if it were, it would just make me that much stronger. I mean, you heard the latest, right? You’ve heard it, right? Everyone has a shining star, or rather, everyone Is a shining star? Something like that. Everyone is a shining star unto themselves, right?

  26. P.S. It was O.K. to write that, right?

  27. Probably wouldn’t make the slate for Loser. Might make the Just Not Talented Enough To Be Noticed. Or the Ass Time for What?category…

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