When I set out to learn about my mother's bridge club, the Jewish octogenarians behind the matching outfits and accessories, I never expected to fall in love with them. This is the story of the ladies, their game, their gen, and the ragged path that led me back to my mother.
While we’re on the subject of money, there was an article in today’s New York Times about a bunch of clowns who make money from their blog. SIgn me up. Seriously, it’s been two and half years and I’m ready to start monetizing the misery. Yours and mine. I’ve been thinking about some potential advertisers beyond book publishers who basically don’t “believe” in ads anyway. Here’s what I’ve come up with: Preparation H, Depends, Bigelow Tea, Levenger, Marlboro, Imodium, Tanqueray, Vespa, Starbucks, St. Dunkin, Apple, Dell, Microsoft, Final Draft, Moleskin, Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Sam’s Club, Cartier, Staples, it’s endless. I took the plunge and signed up for Adsense even though I have no idea what it is, so if ads start popping up for condoms or lube, don’t look at me. Also, if there is anyone out there who knows how this shit works and can help me make some money, I will give you 15 %, and coming from an agent that’s a serious offer. Have your girl call my girl.
What ads would you like to see on this firecracker of a blog?
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Betsy Lerner 
Oh my gosh. Thought this was serious until I hit, “Here’s what I’ve come up with: Preparation H.”
Love it.
If you don’t want to ad. you could always try the “donations” button. My friend makes a few thousand a year that way.
Godiva Chocolatiers, Pepsico, and various tattoo parlors.
Don’t worry. We’d walk the streets for you.
Jess,
Put down the fishnets. It hasn’t come to that…
Has it?
We won’t need those fishnets. We have the dictionary amyg sent me:
http://averildean.wordpress.com/2011/01/19/lalochezia/
Just think of the sex text hotline we could develop. Jeff will be our first customer.
Hey, Mister, you lookin’ for a little vellication and oblectation?
I’ve got the quim if you’ve got the cash. . . .
Welcome to the world. And Yes, I’m with you. Great website, by the way, Averil Dean, nice and grey, intelligent. Me like.
On the mean streets of rural NH, it’s not so much fishnets and heels as Carhartt and mud boots.
A quick look at my coupons tells me that I am your target market.
If you want to make some serious cash, start charging a fee to everyone who leaves a comment on your blog. Be sure to begin right after this one.
coffee, other good book lists, best lipsticks. literary vacations, books for kids,
You wrote a book about Food and Loathing. Frito Lay, Weight Watchers, Nutrisystem, the blow 10 lbs out your anus in 24 hours detox diet…. I’d click them all every time I came here just so they’d have to pay you.
Hopefully the ads don’t run on keywords forest and craft and start popping up Craftsman power saws.
Please just DON’T sell space for those animated ads that fill up the screen and won’t go away until you find the tiny little box with the red ‘x’. Worse than a drooling dog near a white sofa!
Yes please not those ads they drive me crazy too.
If you wanna make money, forget the ads and try to exploit a real source of income: wannabe writers. Offer an ‘Agent in Your Inbox’ or some shit, then tap a few of your commenters here as ‘associates,’ and give them half the cash to email banal advice to people who send you a couple hundred bucks. Sadly, you’re insufficiently oleaginous for that.
For ads to really pay off, you probably need more traffic than you’re getting. So have your nephew put together a site for writers and other people in publishing that looks like this: http://www.youbemom.com/
It’d probably take him an afternoon, maybe two. It’s a place for anonymous gossip about publishing, with a handful of different boards: about agents, queries, conferences, editors, whatever. All anonymous, so people can say, ‘I signed with Erin Hosier, but she always forgets my name and calls me ‘Pepper’. Anyone ever worked with her? Is she insane?’ Or, ‘Does Bloomsbury fuck up everyone’s cover by accident, or is it their business model?’ Or, ‘Claire Zion offered me $2,750 for my vampire pirate epic. I think she hates me because I accidentally told her she only has the -third- coolest name in publishing.”
Then everyone can sling shit about whomever. It’s a virtual watercooler or sounding board or cesspool. What brings in the clicks is everyone being nasty to each other, but the site could be helpful, too–you’d probably have to set aside one asshole-free board, or something.
Then you run around promoting it online. You’ve got enough loyal minions here to get pretty close to critical mass, I’d think. And who has more time to get into meaningless arguments online than writers? Nobody. Once it gets enough traffic, -then- you go for the ads, little text boxes in every thread or something.
This blog is this bait, that site is the switch. Needs a good name, though.
http://www.august.com
I think a very serious problem is wanna-be artists having control over the finished product. Hired—hands getting their grubby little hands on things that they do not understand, therefore, you have an inferior product, and when it comes to that, why not watch TV. August? Whoever you are, just out of curiosity, have you ever fucked someone’s book up on purpose? Out of spite? I’m just curious. How often does that go on, and how desperate are we writers to change the whole dynamic of book selling? Very. Bill Gates did with software, why can’t we? I get this gut feeling you are a shaky proposition at best. No offense. Sounds like you would do anything for a buck and then bitch about it in any accepted avenue. As all whores will. People change, though, it’s a proven fact. That, if anything in this modern life, is a pointed pathish point.
Save the world and cracked nipples.
I know you can.
I know some peoples who know.
I do not
Keep us abreast.
You’re an ad-girl. Thanks. That was awesome.
how about running a series of beautiful images across the top of the site so i can replace the mental image of Jeff and a pearl necklace.
soap ads would be great, too.
LOL – how did I miss this comment during earlier perusals? the infamous pearl necklace code– perfect with the deb season in restart!
Your best post ever.
But, seriously, forget the money. It’s your GIFT to tout le monde!
Isn’t it enough to be beloved?
I say let adsense go to it, and we’ll find out all about our secret desires. For example, according to the TV I just glanced up at, I am the target market for Coors Light and taco bell. And a Mercedes. And car insurance.
I guess if I get the first three, I’ll need that last one.
“What ads would you like to see on this firecracker of a blog?”
None. But for fuck’s sake, don’t listen to me, I’m a secretary. Listen to the people who’ll be paying for the ads. They might have some trenchant opinions regarding site content.
Here, this is free (which is not to be confused with either priceless or worthless):
I just got my first hundred bucks from adsense! After 3.5 years of blogging. Sa-weet!
How many hits to generate that?
Go straight for the pharmaceuticals. If that doesn’t work, Jess has an idea…
When I first saw this all I could think of was Progesterone so maybe Jeff would see it, but it’s good someone else set the pace.
God love you, Betsy!
I was thinking Comedy Central, but that wouldn’t work because you’re funnier than them. Okay, maybe some of the better South Park episodes are almost in your league ….
This one was a laugh-out-loud crack-up, enough to have to spell out the acronym.
Spanx.
Just please don’t have any of those children with harelips.
Glee! Make money while making those poor TV execs make money. This crowd screams Glee! to me.
And Top Hats. http://www.amazon.com/Commando-Nipple-Concealer-Adhesives-Accessory
Sorry. That link didn’t work. The word “commando” demands I get it right, so I’ll try again. http://www.amazon.com/Commando-Nipple-Concealer-Adhesives-Accessory/dp/B0026REEJS
I bet Top Hats employees are buzzing around the watercooler about all the clicks today. We’re gonna be gabillionnaires!
August’s hope and dreams literary pyramid scheme looks like a winner. Whatever that means.
Hooters
What about those darn publishers? Random, Penguin, Harper, S&S, Barnes and Noble, Amazon (talk to Larry K???). Or the late night
schillers (sp) on cable?
I’m with you, I don’t know how ads work and I really don’t want to. But, somehow, that seems to be the name of the game. What I worry about is protections. Even this blog, for instance, what protection do you have from scavengers going to Betsy’s blog to get ideas, since Betsy, with a whole honest heart just wanted people to open up for Memoir stuff, fishing, maybe, but, in my opinion, the whole thing has become more than that so how do you keep the money in your pocket, and the people you want to get it. I am soo behind. I say fuck the internet for anything serious and stay with paper. I’m almost positive this is off topic, but Yo! How to make money selling the thoughts of people on the internet. I’m sure this battle has happened before. Luck and Love and Low down get down. Yeah! (Again, I’m almost sure I am a child in a so-called adult world.) In short—no fucking idea. I don’t mind at all. Sell it!
PS. To answer your question—ads with boobies. It’s really that simple.
Ah, but then, of course, not that I’m Jewish, what’s wrong with selling things a human wants. As a wanna-be human physicist, I say the more people receive, in whatever way they get it, the better. And really, as of now, you’re just giving it away. Man, I hope that made sense.
Not that you’re Jewish? You’re very objectionable as well as tiresome.
Do you know what your name means?
Jesus, five times in a row. But I need to apologize, now. it’s not big-boobies it’s tears that people want.. Therefore, you have soap-operas that run for forty years. I’ve been watching keenly the concept of art in popular culture and I’ve come to the conclusion that soap-opera exes are running the show. Fear not, artists, and fight fiercely But to be honest with you, you will die someday anyway. Why is art so important? Another snake oil to make money? Betsy?
I’d like to see your blog run ads for Scrivener (suffer the slow, painful death you deserve, Word), Ticonderoga pencils (soft spot for their #2, Soft Lead), and Pentel’s EnerGel, retractable liquid gel pen, medium tip, in violet ink (the perfect markup color: not so accusatory as red, not so laid back as blue; look for the “PINK” breast cancer label). As for securing ad dollars from any of these fine companies, I’m sorry to say that I’d be of no help whatsoever. Otherwise, I wish you the very best of luck, Betsy.
as a conffirmed capitalist swine, any ad that,s willing to pay legal tender fits the bill. mozzeltoff.
Lo. Don’t know how it came to this. But, I am going to try very hard to stay off the internet. In the mean-time, a good bed-time song. Love you all!
Do whatever Dooce.com isn’t doing. I know you represent / have represented her & she makes gobs of money…but anyway, I’m glad she can live with herself…