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    Bridge Ladies Sometimes I think a meteor could strike the earth and wipe out mankind with the exception of my mother’s Bridge club — Roz, Bea, Bette, Rhoda, and Jackie — five Jewish octogenarians who continue to gather for lunch and Bridge on Mondays as they have for over fifty years. When I set out to learn about the women behind the matching outfits and accessories, I never expected to fall in love with them. This is the story of the ladies, their game, and most of all the ragged path that led me back to my mother.
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You Could Stand Me Up At The Gates of Hell

Maybe because I was wearing my Johnny Cash shirt, but something got into me today. I met with this acclaimed film director to talk about a project. THe hour or so went really well, then we segued into the small talk before parting. We discovered that we both loved Blue Valentine and Ryan Gosling’s broken man thing. I ventured that I love Mark Ruffalo’s broken man thing even more. She totally agreed — so I started yammering about his other movies like  You Can Count on Me and Eternal Spotless Sunshine and she said, no, wait, it’s that other movie that he’s so great in. I guess Zodiac, and she says no, no, the one with Meg Ryan. I knew exactly what she meant but instead of saying In the Cut, I say you want me to eat your pussy in my best Mark Ruffalo impression. She rears back, like what the fuck! Idiotically, I say it again, only this time more emphatically and trying to pooch up my lip like Ruffalo’s,  you want me to eat your pussy.

What are you looking at?

43 Responses

  1. i. love. you.

  2. That’s the best example of why you’re so spectacular that you’ve posted in a while. Of COURSE you had to say it again. What were you supposed to do, just cave and explain yourself? Pfft. As if.

  3. Hah. Beautiful. Too bad when other people don’t get the joke.

  4. Well, given amount of time you two were together, the diector didn’t stay tongue-tied for too long.

    Now I feel bad about complaining that you hadn’t brought back glazed donuts for the rest of us.

  5. So says Finn, 7: “If you were making a list of all the bad kids and all the good kids, Finn would be left out. Finn is a kid that needs his own section of both.”

    Thanks for faling into both sections, Betsy.

  6. If she bolts over something like this—well, it would suck. But could you work with someone who didn’t get it?

    And how did I miss that movie?

  7. You need to work on being more direct. Otherwise, sounds you like you really have it down.

  8. Oh, my goodness. That was amazing.

  9. HAHAHAHA! I would totally do something like this Betsy. LOVE.

  10. *and I want that Johnny Cash photo for my wall

  11. Well, you have me in a corner, sucking a clitoris and watching it twitch and gorge with blood, is one of my enjoyments in life. Eat is such a blanket term, but yeah, she went for it, right? Right? Does that change the royalties? Licking, swirling the tongue, it works both ways. Man. I don’t even care about money anymore. Would I make it in the book selling business? Be honest. And no, I don’t back down. Unless, of course, you’re really bigger than me and willing to do some violence. But most folks are not. Do the math, and lick and swirl and suck, clitorises, that is. Yo!

  12. Tell me, please tell me she laughed after you said it the second time.

    And then said, “Your project is mine.”

    She had to, Betsy, right? Right??

  13. Just wondering if this conversation took place in an office or in a restaurant.

  14. Ah, to get your “truth” out there. Out where? That’s the dig, that’s the swipe. That’s the washed up ship. Believe you me, there’s a whole lotta love going on here, no matter how you look at it. At the same time, I have a complaint: If Grammar is the measure of intelligence, than the Catholics have won, and we know what both sexes of that faction do. Right? Or, are you ignorant? Parse that word.

  15. acclaimed film directors should expect nothing less, Johnny Cash shirt or not.

    • She should expect nothing less. In fact, she should be bored by less. Unless she is only an “acclaimed film director” when she’s not kneeling in the pew at St. Mary’s every morning at 7:00 for Mass, saying her penance.

  16. Lars and The Real Girl.

  17. Later, when the two of you are sparring over credits, you can look back on this and whisper to your therapist, “the signs were all there from the beginning.”

  18. I’m looking at that Johnny Cash shirt. Pay no attention to these tears of laughter.

  19. Did it work? Should I include that line in query letters?

  20. betsy, maybe now is the time to test out your Mark Ruffalo impersonation. Try the same thing out on people in the street. That way you’ll get a better idea of whether you need to muff I mean buff it up.

  21. Forgive me, for today I am sad. Recently read an article about the virus (HPV-16 strain) that is the leading cause of cervical cancer and apparently is linked to a rise in oral cancer in men and women who enjoy cunnilingus. I mean, am I fucked up or what? I read this post and immediately flashed onto the latest negative news about pleasure. Tumors on the back of the tongue and tonsils. Mount Sinai Medical Center doctors cited as the source. Does pleasure always lead to pain? Is there a vast conspiracy to rain on the parade of anyone who enjoys sex?
    Eating pussy. Sigh. Rest in Peace, Connie Lingus.

  22. “Sometimes I am two people. Johnny is the nice one. Cash causes all the trouble. They fight.”

    J.C.

  23. self deprecating still you won’t back down that’s my kind of wonderful

  24. Man, how I wish I had been sitting in on THAT meeting. I would have died. Just died laughing.

  25. Man, I wish I had been sitting in on THAT meeting. I would have died. Just died, laughing.

  26. Man, I wish I’d been sitting in on THAT meeting. I would have fallen over and died laughing.

  27. You had a narrow escape, Betsy. What if she’d said yes?

  28. Ah, Betsy – you are the master. I kneel at your altar.

    Years ago, when I was a baby social worker and still shy, I volunteered on a suicide hotline. We were instructed to ask callers we thought might be using the sound of our voice to jerk off, “Are you masturbating?” because apparently you can’t be suicidal and masturbate at the same time. Anyway, I spent a lot of time mumbling the phrase to myself: “Are you masturbating? Are you masturbating? How are you? Are you masturbating?” And then the day came when I actually had to ask a caller, “Are you masturbating?”

    And he said, “No. Would you like me to?”

  29. Bet she’s wishing she said yes.

  30. CRINGE! Love it.

  31. Note to self:

    If I ever get the chance to have lunch with Betsy Lerner, remember to mention how much I liked Mark Ruffalo in that Meg Ryan movie.

  32. Mark Ruffalo became my dream man after I saw “In the Cut.” (And totally made up for the shot of Meg Ryan holding Jennifer Jason Leigh’s decapitated head…).

    Ryan Gosling and Michelle Williams made me uncomfortable in “Blue Valentine,” I felt like I was sitting in scene study (I, actually, was in an acting class with Michelle Williams circa Dawson’s Creek).

  33. If she can’t handle that she’s not a good filmmaker.

    Ryan Gosling is a very good actor. Mark Ruffalo is not.

    Maybe the problem was, she did want you to eat her pussy.

  34. My dad loves Meg Ryan, and through the entire movie, I kept thinking “Oh my god, I hope my dad doesn’t rent this movie.”

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