• Bridge Ladies

    Bridge Ladies When I set out to learn about my mother's bridge club, the Jewish octogenarians behind the matching outfits and accessories, I never expected to fall in love with them. This is the story of the ladies, their game, their gen, and the ragged path that led me back to my mother.
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I Am I Said

A lot of people ask me why I, Betsy Lerner, read Daily Variety. Excuse me? I’m a baller. Do the words executive producer mean anything to you? Have you understood nothing, that I would gladly wrap my legs around a television and fuck it to death. And here’s another reason: the announcement of new pilot orders. I think my favorite this season might be the one where Amanda Peet stars as a recently divorced mother who tries not to fall for her surfer-dude contractor. I have one word for the casting director: Keanu. Another one that sounds really spooky involves a family recovering from a brutal murder who move to an island off Maine where they discover a mystical doorway. We had one of those in the house where I grew up only  it led to a Polish pogrom. I also like the pilot where two young, smart female detectives who are bff’s can “discuss fashion while solving crimes.” I know it sounds good, a little like Legally Blonde. But hey, there’s nothing new under the sun lamp. I would kill to have my show listed in Variery and while I couldn’t really opine on hemlines, I could fall for Keanu and remind both of us while we’re making love in a dental chair that when God closes one door, that door is closed.

32 Responses

  1. “When god closes one door, that door is closed.” Halle-fucking-lujah — I can go to bed now. Or soon. The BL blog is not yet dead. And I didn’t even have to fry you up any taters, but I’m still wearing my apron, frying pan in my hot hand.

  2. You have a dirty mouth on you. Are your own computers at home parentally protected from your blog? I certainly hope so. I’m sure your daughter knows about sex already but not sex in a dental chair. That’s for later, when you’re mature and you and another person are really really in love and committed; Don’t confuse trust with trussed kids. And remember: dental chairs as great as they may be don’t have stirrups.

  3. TV bores me. But Keanu is hot.

  4. I like it. And I like that you’re way too sophisticated for snark and do snide so much better.

  5. Ah, the dental chair. Now we know what really happened to the back.

  6. My mystical door leads to a messy garage. Graffiti is confusing that way. I just just rewatched It’s Complicated for many reasons, Keanu being high on the list. He’s a great actor. The Clint Eastwood of his generation.
    This is my favorite post ever. Do you have anything left for therapy at all?

  7. I think just about any story would sound ridiculous when reduced to a bad logline.

    “Short man travels with fellowship of magical creatures, destroys jewelry.”

    Most loglines make me laugh and flinch simultaneously. But I like the mystical doorway. Mine just leads to a lot of mismatched socks and a bottle of non-HE laundry detergent.

  8. “I’m a baller.” That’s right, B, we see how you roll. Now go get you some Benjamins. Peace out.

  9. “discuss fashion while solving crimes.”

    Only in America……..

  10. It would be a lot more fun to write a tv series than to actually sit home and watch one. Go for it! Brady Bunch idea is gangbusters. Maybe there’s a role of Keneau and he could be bi.

  11. Is there elevator music piped in? A Hang in There Baby kitten poster on the ceiling? You could have lots of fun with the high pressure water squirter.

    I have to say though, not a fan of the GenX actors. I hope this new crop of boys surprises us in mystical door ways. I’m tired of being Wile E Coyote, running breakneck into barricades all the live long day. I want a leading man who can deliver, even in the throes of my root canal.

    • I refer you to the film adaptation of Walter Kirn’s Thumbsucker. I rest my case.

    • Leading men are too pretty. Whatever happened to ugly, manly, leading men? If Charles Bronson or Robert Mitchum wanted me to, I would wrap my legs around my TV.

      • Yeah, I have to say I was a little turned on my Bridges with the eye patch in True Grit.

        But, hey, you can’t properly fuck today’s tv’s unless you’re a cheerleader with really long legs, and if that were the case, you’d be fucking other things.

  12. Oh, I am coming around to Keanu, though my husband feels he is untalented – calls him Can’t Do Reeves. It was “Something’s Gotta Give” that won me over.

  13. warning: Don’t be surprised if the bffs solving crimes will actually be revealed as The Fashion Police. The show will spawn a e-zine and a blog site for fans to report criminal wardrobes and post clues to next year’s hemlines.

    As I laugh, I am aware this may be true – Gawd, where is my magical doorway outta here?

  14. In a dental chair? Kinky.

  15. I think Keanu is undervalued by our society. I’d take him over a Brad Pitt any day.

  16. I couldn’t wrap my legs around my tv if I wished; it’s fifty-fucking-four inches wide. I guess I could do the splits on it…

  17. You and your leading non-questions!

    Keanu can clean my teeth any time. He signed a soccer ball for a former co-worker. Or maybe it was a basketball. Not sure. In any case, it was definitely *not* my boobs.

    Speaking of which, now you have me fantasizing about sex in dental chairs. As for tee-vees, I can’t get near mine, which is only ornamental anyway, as Bjork is whispering Icelandic koans into its ancient rabbit ears.

  18. Brawler? Shot caller?

  19. Keanu. He ruined Dracula. Fuck that guy. You have weird tastes. He has the emotional depth of a hamster: what do I do now? And..my..voice..is…always..the same..pitch. Sorry, but his first two were the best, and what he does best. I feel bad writing bad about him, but I doubt he’ll read this, but what has he done where he isn’t Keanu Reeves. Another rich brat. You guys get too much play time. But don’t worry, the earth shakes, forces with more power start pushing around. Same old story. Thanks for Forest for the Trees, I’m writing again. Life is good, as we, or I, know it.

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