• Bridge Ladies

    Bridge Ladies Sometimes I think a meteor could strike the earth and wipe out mankind with the exception of my mother’s Bridge club — Roz, Bea, Bette, Rhoda, and Jackie — five Jewish octogenarians who continue to gather for lunch and Bridge on Mondays as they have for over fifty years. When I set out to learn about the women behind the matching outfits and accessories, I never expected to fall in love with them. This is the story of the ladies, their game, and most of all the ragged path that led me back to my mother.
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You Better Let Somebody Love You Before It’s Too Late

I may be jumping the gun with my new hater list, but I woke up feeling really great today. And you know what I like to do when I feel good. I like to share. So, here it is my first hater list of 2011. Please, as always, add your own.

1. The phrase, “It’s all good.”

2. Black Swan. Nina!

3. The assistants in L.A. who all say, “I don’t have him,” or “Let me see if I have her,” instead of “She’s not in,” or “Let me see if he’s in.” They all do this. How did it start and when will it stop?

4. People emailing you to tell you to call them?!? Or emailing you to set up a time to call?!? Pick up the phone. Dial. Do it!

5. Chris Nolan pretending he’s not god.

6. Tiger Mother blah blah blah.

7. Did you go to Digital Book World?

8. Helmet hair on late night talk show hosts.

9. That Christopher “don’t pray for me” Hitchens might win the NBCC

10. That Broadway show Next to Normal that everyone said I had to see because the main character is bi-pole. Friends, I don’t care how many Tony’s you throw at a thing, it can still blow.

70 Responses

  1. It’s all fucking good. Awesome. Amazing. These are my hates for this January.

    And also all the Twitter-ers. I hate them too. I don’t twit. Or twat. Or tweet. Or whatever the hell that is. But I also would like to go back to where we write letters to each other in long hand, and wait to receive them by post, so who the hell am I?

    • if i tell you that i send my sister a handwritten letter once a week (she’s in florida, i’m not), will you follow me on twitter?? (ha ha!!)

      • AmyG, one day my work will lure my to twitter like the f-ing Eden–snake-bitten-apple is probably is.

        It’s an off-putting thing for me to want to communicate that much, when I’m happiest alone at my desk, dogs underfoot … you tell us how it goes, will you?

      • How many typos does it take …?

  2. conan’s hair reminds me of a god-awful cut i got in junior high that ended up turning me into a boy with my way too short hair, braces, and pink knit ties.

    1. that’s my first hate–my jr. high haircuts; actually, all of jr. high
    2. confrontations at work (ugh, it makes my stomach knot)
    3. anybody that claims anything is a sin (i’m staring at you olsteen)
    4. my late night addiction to family guy reruns
    5. fucking cold weather; enough already, really

  3. Hate’s heavy. I got a bad back, got to put the hate down, see if somebody else can carry it a while. Or at least move it out of the road here, it’s dark and at night somebody might run into it, hurt themselves.

  4. “No worries.” Hate it.
    Also, the iPad. Dumb. How many formats/shapes/sizes/screens do we fucking need? Let me know when the iSnow Shovel comes out, cuz I gotta have it.
    Suckers.

  5. I fucking hate the internet. It’s destroying my mind. What?

  6. 1. Puking. I’ll hold it in my cheeks like a chipmunk and then swallow before I’ll spew. I haven’t puked in nineteen years. The other day my closest friend, apropos nothing, told me, ‘You know, that’s really your only accomplishment.’
    2. This radiating pain in my left arm. I decided it was because I jerk off left-handed–every single day–so while my wife and kid were at the in-laws for a week, I switched hands. I couldn’t switch with them in the house, it felt too debased, jerking off with my right hand like some kind of animal.
    3. Pretty young women who smile at me like I’m a fat middle-aged has-been who poses no threat whatsoever. First I think, ‘Hey, she’s flirting with me, Mr. Potatohead’s still got it,’ then I realize, ‘She practicing how to ask her dad to borrow the car.’

  7. Dog shit.
    Parents who do their kids’ homework.

  8. British (lack of) customer service

    Overuse of the word “pop” by British medical community.

    “I’ll just pop out while you pop your things off and pop them on the chair. Then pop your feet in the stirrups and I’ll pop back in ”

    Spam

  9. Uberparents- constant feedback and monitoring and competing with other parents as they vicariously live through the lives of their progeny

    Packaging. Of everything. I almost killed myself while trying to open batteries the other day.

    B

    • Now I don’t feel so bad about my recent incident with a box of detergent that resisted my attempts to cut the UPC symbol from its bottom. Curse words and a cut on my thumb for a $3 rebate.

  10. “You guys.” I sometimes slip and say it myself, which makes me hate it more.

  11. A hate list makes me so cheerful that I almost forget what I hate.

    1. Friends texting me when they get to where we’re going to meet as if to remind me that I’m late.

    2. The verb “prognose”—the word is prognosticate

    3. People who wear flip-flops in the snow

  12. 1. “Notice on Facebook/twitter of deaths, or help us all, needing a hug.
    2. Emoticons.
    3. The belief that everyone deserves to be heard.
    4. Any phrase starting with “I’m not prejudiced. I have a friend/cousin/hairdresser/tranny girlfriend who is…”
    5. Assumptions.

  13. -He’s good people
    -Awesome
    -It is what it is
    -Athletes who thank/blame god when they win/lose

    • The athlete-god-thank makes me nuts. And the use of the word, “Irregardless”. In a couple of weeks I’ll get to hear my favorite, “Valentimes Day.”

    • Was typing, saying “awesomesauce!” to make fun of awesomers–then realized it was really fucking annoying.

    • I’m guilty of the first three.

      I’ve lived through neato, cool beans, rad, bad, phat, amazing, excellent, outstanding, amazing, the lick, dah bomb, and da sh*t.

      Have mercy on an old, confused woman and let her keep awesome.

  14. The disappearance of you’re welcome. I say thank you. She says uh-huh.

    • I know! I fixed the condescending look on a snotty retail clerk and told him that the proper response to thank you is you’re welcome. He apologized.

      • Or they’ll just say, “Yep.” Which always sounds like, “Your transaction is complete. Now get out of the way.”

        I like your attitude, Deb. I usually skulk away like I’ve been reprimanded.

  15. I hate that I’m feeling guilty about doing some of the things you hate. It’s OKAY, really!

  16. As relates to business
    -net net
    -run it up the flagpole
    -taking the 10,000 foot view
    And oh yes! It is what it is. GAH!

  17. Oh, she’s lovely. He’s lovely. The book is lovely. What a lovely post.

    Are we all Jackie Kennedy now?

  18. 2011 hates:

    The new luxury car commercial that’s a take off on Goodnight Moon (No!)

    The commercial for the iPad with that obnoxious music in the back (boop..boop…boop)…hate it!

    That I can’t watch Count Down with Keith Olbermann anymore

    Rush Limbaugh speaking fake Chinese and thinking he was being funny…. uh…I think the last time I did that I was about 6 and got scolded by my older sister.

  19. sneering middle-aged men.

    dogs with strangulated barks who are left in the yard ALL FUCKING DAY when i’m trying to write/think/make lists.

    immaculate blonde women in shiny white range rovers, driving drunk through their neighbourhoods EVERY FUCKING DAY.

  20. “No problem.”

    Your #6.

  21. The use of the word arguably to exempt the writer from making the opposing argument to their lame assumptions.

  22. 1. Facebook. And yet I am addicted. It’s the asshole boyfriend.

    2. Twitter. Is it all press-releases and ass-kissery? Occasionally log in to accept requests. (Exception is Patton Oswalt’s smart ass-kickery and self-deprecation.) If there were someone doing a convincing Samuel Beckett I’d follow.

    3. Besty (intentional ass-kissing transposition) — Have hated “It’s all good” since 1998 when I was stuck at a party with a guy who knew no other words. Wound up sticking shrimp puffs in ears.

    4. People who would have nothing to say if they couldn’t quote movies, TV shows, comedians.

    5. Denial.

    6. Polite back-stabbers.

    7. Global warming. This should probably go first, but people who seem smart have persuaded me it’s not as important an issue as Ricky Gervais offending celebrities at the Golden Globes.

    8. Entitlement.

    9. Lack of curiosity.

    10. Bullies.

    5.

  23. – Cougars/Housewives of wherever. I’m embarrassed for you. And you’ve made it impossible to visit the grocery store without some uncomfortable interaction with the speckled bag boy. And on that note …
    – Clerks who comment on the items I’m purchasing. Yes, it’s harmless when you’re fondling my kiwis, but we both know I also have a pack of Trojans in my cart. Please, could we talk about the weather instead?
    – Politics. What a fucking joke we’ve become.
    – Vegas. My hometown and lifelong prison.
    – People who are nauseated by breast milk but have no problem with the kind that comes from an animal who sleeps in her own feces.

  24. 1) Enjoy!
    2) I heart you…or whatever the hell else someone decides to “heart” that moment.
    3) Samich: It’s a sandwich, people. A sandwich.

  25. No fair, by the way, to put hater-list stuff on here along with pix of three loverly talented men who are ALL GOOD (even better than sammiches!).

  26. Actually, what always annoys me is hearing about other people’s pet peeves.

  27. “Tiger Mother blah blah blah.” Agreed. This seems to be getting way more attention than it deserves (i.e. none). Lunatic writes book. World freaks out.

    Black Swan was really viscerally painful for me to watch… cringed and turned away from the screen many times…

  28. How about people who say “Call me” when they have no intention of calling you?

    And people who say “no offense” right before they say something offensive?

  29. Walking the dog at 5 a.m. in the snow or sleet-slicked streets. Thing is, she doesn’t like to do her business when it’s cold. So we walk and slip and slide through the neighborhood until she can’t hold it in anymore and it all splats out.

    Dogs. Bah.

  30. “It’s all good” is just because LA people can’t handle expressing any negativity. So it’s like, “My house just burned down and I lost my legs, but IT’S ALL GOOD.”

  31. Also, I don’t like the waiter’s royal we:
    “And how are WE doing tonight?”
    I don’t know how you are. I can tell you how I am.

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