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Someone Found A Letter You Wrote You Me on the Radio

Here’s the link to a radio show I did last week. It was a sixty minute call in show, and after a while I got a little restless. It was then I spied the power bar I had brought in for lunch. If you listen to the interview, I want you to tell me if you can detect when I started chowing down on the power bar. More,  I want you to appreciate the kind of special guest and self-promoter I am that I would begin to NOSH during a radio interview. Imagine, what I could on television!

I had another interview the next day; I limited myself to my special raspberry drops, Les Framboises. My dad would buy us these tins at Broadway shows and I was in love with the fancy calligraphy and, of course, the tin itself which seemed like treasure, or better yet to hold treasure. As it turns out, this was also a mistake because I always bite down on hard candies. I wonder if the sound of me spitting out the raspberry drop can heard on the interview? That would be awesome.

This is an open letter to Stephen Colbert. I swear, if you have me on your show, I will remove a wrapped cheeseburger from my pocket, unwrap it, and eat it instead of answering your question. I will eat an entire Carvel cake in the time it will take you to ask me  a follow up question.  This goes for Stewart, Letterman, Rose, Handler, and Fallon. (I’m not going to get into it, but Conan being off the list is not an oversight.) Let’s make television magic!

30 Responses

  1. I went through a brief period where I was infatuated by those candies, too. They were replaced by Altoids, I guess.

  2. Audio loading… How does it feel to be a college student’s study procrastination tool?

  3. Can’t wait to here the interview! Nosh away, I say. They should have provided you with snackage. Chewing sounds are okay; smacking of lips, not so much. I ate a stale roti from a Zip-Loc® bag in my purse during a retreat yesterday, trying to keep from being heard by dozens of other hungry people. I even had a container of salt with me.

    • enjoyed the interview, Betsy, and good to hear your nearly blasé voice. I think you started eating on the word “personally.” Right?

    • I’ve missed you around here, Tulasi-Priya. Are you still in India? Were you meant to be fasting when you ate the illicit roti? Say you were, so I can imagine you as the ashram’s own Larry David, with telltale crumbs on your chest and a shifty look in your eye, chewing in slow motion so as not to be detected.

  4. My mother used to treat herself – and me – to those drops, too!

  5. Hilarious!! I would LOVE to see you eat a whole cake with Colbert. Maybe you could have your own show and invite skinny celebretards on and force them to eat white bread and sugar. You’d make a fortune…

    B

  6. I clicked on the link, but the internet tells me the page I was looking for does not exist, raising in my mind questions of existence and the transitory, the physical and the metaphysical, necessity and contingency, that I should be able to ignore if I will finish my first mug of morning tea.

    For televised entertainment, allow me to recommend eating a ripe, juicy peach or two. It will be messy, with the juice all dripping down, and noisy, with the slurping of said juice. If peaches are not available, apples may do. They are not as juicy, but the snap and crunch of biting and chewing them should be audible. Or a bag of some fancy kind of chip, say one made of sweet potatoes and beets, thick and snappy. Think of the noise the opening of the bag will make. The boys in the control room will be yanking their headphones off as they watch the audio levels spike into the red.

    • As we contemplate questions of existence, which are always good, sometimes it’s just a matter of searching a little further and finding the right link (metaphor of life, Tetman). I love to contemplate too, but sometimes we’ve got to take action. (but Betsy’s fixed it now, so it doesn’t matter.)

  7. With bated breath in anticipation of the opportunity to put a voice to the written word–an imagined mellifluous voice of dulcet tones only occasionally interrupted by subtle gnoshing. But alack and alas and all that jazz it was not to be. The link once accessed simply said: ‘Page not found.’ I am bereft.

    • Anon, I haven’t got time to listen to it right now but I checked the link and it seems that if you click on the words “Pen On Fire” in “Sorry the page you were looking for in the blog Pen On Fire does not exist.”, it takes you to the Pen on Fire blog and then there is a link to Download Audio.

  8. Betsy you make me laugh out loud

  9. TRY now!! It should work. I think I fixed it. Otherwise, I’ll call my “tech person.”

  10. my follow up question was going to be, “…are you eating a power bar?!” but i got disconnected before i could ask and my lunch of dead babies was already starting to get cold anyway so i didn’t call back.

    (in my more sincere font: thanks for doing the show and taking my question)

  11. I have those candies! I feel so warm and fuzzy to recognize my hard candies on your blog.

  12. My takeaway: A power bar? That’s all you’re eating for lunch?

  13. What about lobster for the Colbert Report, it would provide great sound effects, make a big mess, and you could advertise your book on those humiliating bibs.

  14. There’s sweetness in your voice, Betsy, and I don’t mean the power bar kind.

  15. The only thing I heard was a pause… as in ‘hold on a moment so I can swallow my POWER BAR!’ But if you didn’t post your confession I could have easily thought you were wiping whiskey from your chin. However, easily forgiven with the great interview. And the exclusion of Conan from your line up.

  16. I’m more a boiled hare and black pudding girl myself, but I admire your ability to chew and talk without detection. Masterful!

  17. I hope your publicist makes this happen for you. I would host a screening party to savor the event properly.

  18. Wow, I’d forgotten about those candies–thanks for the smile-worthy reminder. My grandmother used to bring them from the city every time she came to visit–they’d empty fast and hang around the house forever, mostly to hold barbie shoes–what I wouldn’t give for an empty one today!

  19. Great interview! It’s funny (funny-odd) hearing someone’s spoken voice when you’re used to their written one. I couldn’t hear the power bar.

  20. Bring me back to my childhood, why don’t ya? Those raspberry drops were a staple at my grandparents’ home for years. And I’ve eaten an entire Carvel cake (minus the few bites managed by the vultures that are my family) on every birthday for the last 25 years.

    Nevertheless, I see pocket cheeseburgers in my future.

  21. Great interview Betsy.

    Does it make anyone else nuts when people say memoir ‘mem-wah’?

  22. Finally had a chance to listen to your interview. Great job, Betsy — you must get those same questions so often (how to write a query letter, how much of the book should be done, etc…), kind of like a singer doing the same hit song every week for 20 years. You were gracious and helpful, and most of all honest.

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