• Bridge Ladies

    Bridge Ladies Sometimes I think a meteor could strike the earth and wipe out mankind with the exception of my mother’s Bridge club — Roz, Bea, Bette, Rhoda, and Jackie — five Jewish octogenarians who continue to gather for lunch and Bridge on Mondays as they have for over fifty years. When I set out to learn about the women behind the matching outfits and accessories, I never expected to fall in love with them. This is the story of the ladies, their game, and most of all the ragged path that led me back to my mother.
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I Love All My Haters…Take 2

My top ten quarterly hate list:

1. The term “game changer” especially when referring to Avatar.

2. Criticizing a person for not being on Facebook. What’s it to you?

3. Calling oneself a “technophobe” or “Luddite” as if that’s interesting.

4. The proliferation of Greek yogurt

5. Canceling Law & Order. Where’s the outrage?

6. “Loving” your Kindle

7. J Crew

8. “I have that on my netflix cue,” as a response to talking about a movie.

9. In advance, the movie of Eat Pray Love.

10. That there are no fucking movies to see.

If there’s something I’ve missed, please let me know.

51 Responses

  1. That this is quarterly instead of DAILY.

  2. haaaaaaaaaaa! hysterical. i always get excited for your posts.

  3. The fact that no matter how brilliant a woman is, if she goes on a late night talk show, she’s dressed like a hooker.

    • How about that every female singer’s live performance could realistically take place in a strip club. And not one where pasties are required.

  4. 1) “Threw his head back and laughed.”
    2) Fleece vests and sensibly-priced red wine and one child too many; my demographic.
    3) Literary orgasms. Nobody asks a carpenter when he had his first construction orgasm. Nobody asks a dentist, ‘what was the first impacted wisdom tooth that took you prisoner?’
    4) Parents of kids with Asperger’s.
    5) NPR. Especially David Sedaris and that Lake Wobegon guy with the diarrhea voice.
    6) Other daddies trying to bond with me over sports.
    7) Any adult who admits to having read all of the Harry Potter books. Any editor who says she read them in high school.
    8) Those three weeks, and the three months preceding them.
    9) Every publishing blog except this one. douchewit and all the coy chirpy assistants with their clever pseudonyms and reheated spew.
    10) Poetry.

    Have you seen ‘In Bruges?’

  5. Ha! Amazing list.

  6. The word “franchise”.

    Style bloggers who speak in the plural “With the arrival of spring, we fling open the windows, start scrubbing and vow to be organized.” Do we now.

    Midcentury everything—sorry but the cold war look is just alarming.

    Raising farm animals in the city—think before you buy the chick–do you really want to stick your hand under a chicken’s ass every morning?

    People who hate literary fiction.

    Gourmet food trucks—no matter how fusion the food they are still roach coaches.

    “Revisiting” history. It’s called the past. Learn from it, live with it–don’t visit.

    • thanks on the city farm animals.

      i did something i never thought i would, yesterday: i reported a neighbor to the city.

      two complaints: the barking dog was the main thing. it’s been relentless for over a year. they chain it outside and leave every day, and it rarely ceases. it’s barking spot is one floor down and 50 feet over from where i write. it’s barking like crazy right now. it’s 10:12 p.m.

      the charge that will stick, though, is the four chickens they added last month. those fuckers only cluck a few times a day, but they go batshit for five minutes. i’d put up with it if it were not the same people with complete disregard for the 300 people who live within earshot.

      • Inhumane noise is there anything worse? Only call i’ve ever made to the cops–the lonely dog owners round the corner who couldn’t care less until they were fined. People-you can’t beat them for entertainment value.

  7. I do two of the things you hate, but I hate the rest of the things you hate. I’m not going to say which is which.

  8. “It is what it is.”

    • Yes. I’ve hated that one for a long time. I’ll add “My bad.” That one bugs me even more.

    • How about ‘if it’s meant to be, it will be’ or ‘everything happens for a reason’?

    • AUCH, I HATE THOSE SAYINGS. Is it a coincidence that people have screwed something or somebody up royally when they decide that “if it’s meant to be”. Can’t be accountable, no sir!

  9. The obsession of the British press with Z list celebrities.

  10. 1.Chain emails.
    3.Adding “European” to product advertising to make it seem exotic.

  11. BP

  12. Icelandic yogurt–even more expensive and pretentious than Greek yogurt and it tastes awful

    Maybe you should watch an old movie…this weekend I plan to rewatch MADAME SOUSATZKA…

    • How can Iceland pull off anything pretentious in the food dept? I thought I was going to starve when I was there.

  13. Chewing gum snappers, reality TV and the term “trending.” (Could learn to tolerate that if I were listed.)

  14. That chip the zombie vampires put in my head. It’s annoying.

  15. Emailed jokes and chain letters that threaten to destroy my karma if I don’t pass the message along to thirty of my friends within FIVE minutes. Cute stories about old people. (As if I’m one.) The words “A must-read.”

  16. The word “faux”

  17. Yo-Yo Ma

  18. 1. People who talk to me at the gym even though I’m wearing really obvious headphones

    2. ‘I’ve always wanted to write a novel’ (bonus hate points if the person works in finance)

    3. Couples who work out together

    4. Morning radio DJs

    5. ‘You should go into advertising’

    6. Diets

    7. People who talk about their diets (unless they write a brilliant memoir about it in which case permission granted)

    8. Backhanded compliments

    9. Anyone who participates in those inane Facebook games

    10. ‘You should write about my life’

  19. Where do you get your ideas?
    Is your book a fiction novel or non-fiction novel?

  20. Followed by, “Have I read one of your books?”

  21. The smell of any perfume or cologne that lasts more than 2 seconds

  22. I had you pegged as a “Letters to Juliet” kind of a girl Betsy?

  23. Skinny people who make comments about being overweight, especially when they’re with me (and my marshmallow-shaped self).

  24. 1) The term ‘out of the box’/’think outside the box’

    2) The proliferation of yogurt that is supposed to make you take a big dump. And the heinous commercials that plug the nasty stuff.

    3) Calling myself ‘technically challenged’/Luddite–because I am. I annoy myself.

    4) Thongs that peek out girls backsides, framing their ‘tramp stamps’, and the women that wear them. Especially when accompanied by doughy rolls of midsection fat spilling over the elastic. Also, the term ‘tramp stamp’.

    5) The overuse of the word ‘literally’.

    6) Being cornered by women who speak of nothing but their cats/kids/asshat husbands/divorce/mommy issues/daddy issues/problems/yoga/selves.

    7) Sloppy, maudlin drunks.

    8) Seeing men with back hair billowing out of tank tops. Men, just don’t wear tank tops, hairy or not. And if your back hair is spilling out of a regular shirt (a polo, for example), wax that shit.

    9) Spotting men (or women) with Frito toenails wearing Jesus sandals.

    10) All manner of sins involving rude and/or dangerous cellphone usage.

    I have no issue with sensibly priced red wine.

    • frito toenails!! bahhhaahhahha

    • I’ll look at my sons friends (yes he’s a teenager) in a tank top any day! Yes I’m a “cougarphile”. Those pecs and sweet faces (doesn’t hurt to look). And I might add I am still (somewhat) happily married to his flabbier yet still cute Dad.

  25. Smiley faces wearing sunglasses taking over my number 8 can be added to my list. (8’s evil doppleganger?)

  26. greedy back surgeons who lie to old insured men (we’ll slap a plate in there and a few screws and you’ll be good as new) repeatedly,

    the night nurse

    and seeing my dad’s scrotum when he raises his knees to fart

  27. 1) “[X book/manuscript] was so great I missed my subway/bus/train stop.” I call bullshit. And also, I call lack of originality.

  28. Reagan: I DID miss a few subway stops reading RED DRAGON. On the second and far worse charge:lack of originality: guilty as charged.

    • ok, but did you use that as your shorthand for how great the book was? I’m trying to let you off the hook.

      2) Inability to stand by broad proclamations when they might offend.

  29. Go see The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo. Good plotting! The dragon hacker is a compelling character. Okay, I admit, I do love my Kindle DX, but I totally second you on all of your other pet peeves!

  30. People who claim drunkness as an excuse.

  31. “I could care less.”

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