I just finished my revision of FFTT. It’s almost 2:00 a.m. New Haven has gone to bed. I’m buzzy, agitated. Like James Caan in Misery, I want my one cigarette upon completion. Actually, I need help with three outstanding items:
–Does any remember Jay McInerny doing scotch ads? If so, was it Dewar’s? Or what brand was it?
–“Query letters that sound as if they were penned Crazy Eddie, instead of a thoughtful writer…” They want me to swap “Crazy Eddie” for a more contemporary nutcase? I’m drawing a blank. Any ideas?
–I also need to replace Don King as an example of a nutcase self-promoter. Any names come to mind?
I know this isn’t your job. If a bribe of any sort would help, name it. Scotch, cigarettes, a signed copy of the 10th anniversary revision of The Forest for the Trees. I want to tell you something. When the book was first published, I used to dis it, trying to be clever or self-deprecating. After all, I had an MFA in poetry and here I was writing an advice book. I’d gone from Sylvia Plath to Erma Bombeck. My husband described my behavior as “psychotic disassociation.” I knew he was right. I was weirdly ashamed. Who the hell was I? I trashed my own book and acted like it was funny. Fast forward ten years. I’m still an asshole, and I mean that in the best sense of the word. I’m also proud the little fucker is still in print. God knows, I’m lucky to have the chance to make it better and update it. Only here’s my new iteration of self-flagellation: oh, you had to rope them into letting you revise the book instead of creating something NEW. I hope, if you are a writer, you will applaud this new low.
Betsy Lerner 
Hi Betsy,
I like your sense of humor!
I’m also a writer, so I understand the romantic notions many have held about traditional publishing. The industry of yesteryear no longer exist. Surly it was sucked into a black hole, leaving only a dark shadow, a hollow remnant of what might have supported current writers.
Hey Congratulations your work is out there and you have triumphed over the odds. Fantastic!
Self-promoter? Try the “balloon daddy”, with far less hair- – vertically speaking, that is.
Crazy Eddie = Glenn Beck? Too political?
I guess “Weird Al” is still too dated?
A ferret in a blender. A LOLcat.
Hm, I kinda like ”Query letters that sound as if they were penned by a LOLcat instead of a thoughtful writer…”
Don King = Joe the Plumber? Too political?
Something generic about a reality-star-wannabe?
wow. i vote for query letter penned by a lolcat.
LOVE balloon daddy! That made me laugh.
Balloon boy’s dad comes to mind as a crazy self-promoter, but he’ll be forgotten in five minutes.
How about Paris Hilton?
Paula Abdul?
Sacha Baron Cohen’s Bruno character?
To replace Crazy Eddie … Ozzy Osborne? Tom Cruise?
Still thinking …
This is what happens when you work beyond midnight:
The God Abandons Anthony
When suddenly, at midnight, you hear
an invisible procession going by
with exquisite music, voices,
don’t mourn your luck that’s failing now,
work gone wrong, your plans
all proving deceptive — don’t mourn them uselessly.
As one long prepared, and graced with courage,
say goodbye to her, the Alexandria that is leaving.
Above all, don’t fool yourself, don’t say
it was a dream, your ears deceived you:
don’t degrade yourself with empty hopes like these.
As one long prepared, and graced with courage,
as is right for you who were given this kind of city,
go firmly to the window
And listen with deep emotion, but not
with whining, the pleas of a coward;
listen — your final delectation — to the voices,
to the exquisite music of that strange procession,
and say goodbye to her, to the Alexandria you are losing.
Constantine P Cavafy
Well, I happened to like your book. I thought it was funny and well-conceived and psychologically complex. Maybe I suck for liking a self-help book, but quite frankly, I don’t give a shit.
Self-promoter and INCREDIBLY AMAZING over-user of the words INCREDIBLE and AMAZING: Donald Trump
Congrats on the revision! Rarely does a week pass when I don’t see/hear a reference to FFTT so it’s clearly made an impact. Call it the triumph of Irma over Sylvia.
Don King –> Palin I guess? meh
For a query letter sounding like it was penned by a nut job you could use Lindsay Lohan, then again, any twittering starlet would do.
For nut case self-promoter use a reality TV star (the addled housewives of any big city, octo-mom, etc) or anyone even vaguely associated with Sarah Palin.
It occurs to me how hard it is to isolate these types from what currently passes for serious in our culture. Was it ever so?
What a riot.
Can’t wait to read your updated book. I loved the first version.
Just read Very Bad Deaths by Spider Robinson. He points out that, mired in our Everybody is an Extra in My Movie worldviews, we are all assholes. Once his hero discovered this about himself, he set about making himself a pleasant asshole.
Applause. You have overcome.
very nice. i know that wired feeling. i think i’ve scared you with mine. hahaha.
”Query letters that sound as if they were penned the Unabomber”. not sure of that spelling. unless that’s crazier than you want. but it has the advantage that the unabomber actually penned crazy letters–and mailed bombs.
i agree with Donald Trump for self promoter. several of michael jackson’s relatives could have worked if only their were fewer of them. they diffuse the concept by spreading it around so that no one member is known for it in particular (and/or, they are known for bigger sins). balloon boy will date you in ten minutes. OJ Simpson’s little sidekick is also too dated. i think The Donald will continue to be with us awhile.
Replace Don King with Speidi (Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag).
Replace Crazy Eddie with Courtney Love, the Joker as played by Heath Ledger, Chrisian Bale (as himself), or maybe Flavor Flav (sp?).
Dewar’s used to profile the young and up and coming. Maybe that is what you recall. I thought he refused his, but could be wrong.
I want to thank everyone who suggested ideas for my uber-self-promoter and crazy query letter writer. I think I’m going to go with the Unabomber and either Donald Trump or Paris Hilton. My twelve year old suggested Hilton the other day and is disgusted that I even asked anyone else. Also, thank you for that beautiful Cavafy poem.
Tonight: footnotes!
Nutcases: Lindsey Lohan, Jon &/or Kate, any Jackson with a nosejob, Rush Limbagh (blech, petooey) Glen Beck , Tom Cruise
I’ve been away for two days so I just read this (today, Tuesday, 10/20). I’m too late to add my vote for who are currently popculture’s biggest douchebags, but I must ask for a moment of silence, please, in honor of FFTT’s first edition, now a precious artifact from a time in America before Paris Hilton, a time that we will tell our grandchildren about and hardly believe it ourselves.
[…] someone like her should be; it makes me want to write a book just so I can pitch it to her. Her latest post today mentions that she’s working on a 10th anniversary edition of FFTF, but I think I won’t […]
My first thought for nutcase self-promoter: Kanye West.
Hi Betsy,
I’m late to the discussion on the changes to this book of yours (just found out a couple of days ago that you have a blog), but wanted to mention that my copy of the original is dog-eared and underlined all over hell’s half acre.
I found your book, or rather, a friend suggested it to me, two years ago, and it changed the way I was working on my novel. Your ‘give yourself permission to tell’ made all the difference in the world to me. I’ve had a couple of short stories published – they’re excerpts.
Thank you loads.
Found your blog looking for an image containing cigarettes and scotch (really!) for my own blog post and voila! The author of one of my fave books on that demon called writing.
Yeah, I’m so happy to ventilate with you re the state of the biz. It’s enough to turn a pre-pubbed novelist to poetry – at least that sees print, and the money’s as good. Glad I found you… Peace, Linda