I was going to write about syntax tonight, but given the OUTPOURING of responses to my call for a vampire book, I thought I would provide some guidelines as to what exactly I’m looking for. I think some of you are really on to something. I especially like the one about the string quartet where the second violinist is a vampire (who would suspect the SECOND violinist?). It’s genius! I also think the one set in an orthodox Jewish community has promise, where the vampire doubles as a towel attendant at the mikvah. (Is it just me, or does this have Whoopi Goldberg written all over it?)
Now, once you have your “concept,” you need to write a “narrative” that will a) make me puke the way I did when I mixed 7&7’s with screwdrivers and hurled all over a seedy “disco in the round” on a ski trip in Quebec; b) make me wish I was dead like the time Rita DiNoozio sent fiery streams of toilet paper into my bathroom stall because I was Jewish; and c) write the equivalent of the “first living abortion” which is what my older sister lovingly called me when we were growing up on Walton’s Mountain.
If you can do all this, you will be my next client and we will change the course of history together. I was even thinking of slashing my commish, but fuck that.
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Betsy Lerner 
The twist with the Jewish vampire, you see, is that he’s kosher. My working title: The Shochet of Boca Raton.
However, if you’re interested in ‘the first living abortion’ territory, how about this: he works as a moyle for snacks.
Nobody, I mean nobody, makes me laugh like you do. Go drink a 7&7 with a screwdriver chaser. Your job here is done.
A sensible person would write you a few paragraphs, Ms Lerner but not drop in your comment box where anyone could see it. They would put it in their blog and to yours as the inspiration and VOILA the internet as collaborative canvas. The question is in the packaging and of course, distribution from the earnings.
‘link’ that should be, as in correct attribution is the key to a successful creative community. If you continue with your experiment, this question will arise, says the drunken cartographer, somewhere out the night skies, the undead come looking for life,
First line of “Amish Blood Lust”:
Sara King, of the New Order Amish, was not beautiful, but men seldom realized it when caught by her charm as the Lapp twins of the Swartzengruber Mennonites were.”
Yeah, I’m a plagerist and I’m writing about Amish vampires. I make MYSELF sick.
I’ll get the query letter to you right away.
“You don’t have to be undead to play Shastakovich String Quartet 8.” She turned to the middle of the score and swallowed hard. “But trust me, it helps.”