• Forest for the Trees
  • THE FOREST FOR THE TREES is about writing, publishing and what makes writers tick. This blog is dedicated to the self loathing that afflicts most writers. A community of like-minded malcontents gather here. I post less frequently now, but hopefully with as much vitriol. Please join in! Gluttons for punishment can scroll through the archives.

    If I’ve learned one thing about writers, it’s this: we really are all alone. Thanks for reading. Love, Betsy

Sometimes Love Doesn’t Feel Like It Should

I was going to write about syntax tonight, but given the OUTPOURING of responses to my  call for a vampire book, I thought I would provide some guidelines as to what exactly I’m looking for. I think some of you are really on to something. I especially like the one about the string quartet where the second violinist is  a vampire (who would suspect the SECOND violinist?). It’s genius! I also think the one set in an orthodox Jewish community has promise, where the vampire doubles as a towel attendant at the mikvah. (Is it just me, or does this have Whoopi Goldberg written all over it?)

Now, once you have your “concept,”  you need to write a “narrative” that will a) make me puke the way I did when I mixed 7&7’s with screwdrivers and hurled all over a seedy “disco in the round”  on a ski trip in Quebec;  b) make me wish I was dead like the time Rita DiNoozio sent fiery streams of toilet paper into my bathroom stall because I was Jewish; and  c) write the equivalent of the “first living abortion” which is what my older sister lovingly called me when we were growing up on Walton’s Mountain.

If you can do all this, you will be my next client and we will change the course of history together. I was even thinking of slashing my commish, but fuck that.

Out for Blood

Readers, I just heard that another vampire book (1,000 pages long) sold for seven figures. If the agent weren’t the sweetest guy in the whole world, I would drive a stake through my heart. I’ve always counseled writers not to jump on the band wagon, not to look to the bestseller list for inspiration, not to be  copycats. Well, fuck all that. Writers: write! I want a 5,000 page manuscript about a Shape Shifter who works by day as a children’s book illustrator and kills small children at night, dates a half-human half-literary agent, and sucks her hammerhead thumbs to the great consternation of her dentist.  Do you feel me? Let’s not spend the rest of this recession watching Mad Men videos when we can be printing money. Printing it!

If You Don’t Know Me By Now

A reader explains her predicament: she submitted her manuscript to a publishing house a year ago and has still not heard back. Now, she believes the editor will be at a certain bookstore because one of her major writers is giving a reading. She wants  to know if she should go to the reading, approach the editor, and ask about the status of her manuscript.

My advice: find out where the editor gets her Brazilians and follow her into the waxing room and ask her there.

Unrepentant

I’m not going to temple today. It’s not that I haven’t done anything wrong this past year, or even that I’m not sorry for those things, I just  don’t see why I should die by asphyxiation from the collective smell of expensive pancake make-up favored by the women of the congregation or suffer through another internet sermon.

 Then there’s the book. Not the Torah. Food and Loathing, my darling memoir in which I write about our congregation and say some not altogther kind things about some people (and yes I am sorry for that, though not enough at the time to have stayed my hand). I’m not exactly Philip Roth, but  it’s uncomfortable especially when people ask, the accusation rich in their voices, are you writing another book? Sure, a sequel, Son of Food and Loathing,  Food and Loathing: Attack from Mars!   Food and Loathing Las Vegas!

What can I say. May we all be inscribed in the Book of Life. And send our love to those who’ve fled.

And That Was All

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/09/27/fashion/27Cover.html

Please Kill Me

I started reading the newspaper in earnest in October, 1978 when Sid Vicious killed Nancy Spungen. I was eighteen years old and a freshman at NYU. I would buy The New York Post, The Daily News and The New York Times and go to the fourth floor of Bobst Library where you could smoke, spread out my papers, fire up a Marboro and read all about it. I wasn’t even a huge Sex Pistols fan. They were living in the Hotel Chelsea and I walked by whenever I could, though I was timid about going inside. When I finally did, I couldn’t believe the array of art all over the walls; it wasn’t squalid so much as beautifully run down. I know it’s ridiculous to romanticize them, and I wonder what it was about their sordid union that captured me so. Sometimes I ask my husband to kill me, choke me to death or take me out with the  cast iron pan he uses to make stews, but he says I’m not getting off that easy.
 

My Bologna Has a Second Name

Unadulterated pity party: I didn’t get to go to Italy. Last minute trip to the doctor for codeine-laced cough syrup yielded a strong warning not to get on a plane. Fortunate is the person I would have been sitting next to. I am a passenger’s worse nightmare.

So, no me sitting in a cafe with a double espresso, bottle of mineral water, a book in my lap, notebook on the table, writing what was sure to be the best work of my life. No me crossing a piazza in my Chrome Hearts taking in the glorious rosey stone of Bologna, the open markets, or catching a ride on a Vespa. No dining with Italian publishers and trying to sort the wives from the mistresses. No fun at all.

My Bologna Has A First Name

I’m going away for a few days to an unnamed Italian city. I’ve got to pack like now and I’m still all ungapotched about what to read. I”m pretty sure I’m taking the new Lorrie Moore (I know, predicatable, but still). And probably the James Atlas biography of Saul Bellow. I also want to read Katherine Harrison’s The Seal Wife and Walter Kirn’s Lost in the Meritocracy. I’m all over the place.

Don’t You Wish Your Girlfriend Was Hot Like Me (reprise)

On September 1, I posted a question from a writer who had interest from an agent,  had a few other agents request his manuscript (but still hadn’t heard back), and some outstanding queries with agents who hadn’t answered at all. I recommended he let everyone know that he had interest. This was the moment when he had some leverage, and that there’s nothing like competition to quicken an agent’s pulse. I also asked him to let me know how he made out. Check this out:

Betsy asked me to check back in to say how I made out. I applied The Betsy Lerner School of Leverage technique to my outstanding queries and received seven additional requests for the manuscript. In the end I had five offers of representation and both my number one and number two choices offered. Applying pressure obviously worked out but I had to persevere as the rejections piled in. For a while I thought I’d end up unrepresented but then four offers poured in one on top of the other, the last being from my number one choice who’d had the manuscript for two and a half months.

Nation, if you enroll in The Betsy Lerner School of Leverage TODAY, you will receive a crash course ABSOLUTELY FREE in The Betsy Lerner School of  Self Loathing AND The Betsy Lerner School of Hair. ENROLL NOW!!

And, Mr. Bigshot, congrats. Nicely done.

The One That Got Away

When the venerable editor and publisher Robert Giroux died last year, his NYT obituary listed some of the illustrious writers he worked with  including Flannery O’Connor, Robert Lowell, Bernard Malamud, Jack Kerouac and Susan Sontag. Equally interesting to me were stories about the ones who got away.  One of these writers brought in his manuscript on teletype paper pasted together into a roll of 120 feet long and demanded that no changes be made. Giroux would not agree and Kerouac walked out, On the Road with him. Giroux had also courted a new short story writer whose work had appeared in The New Yorker. When it came time to offer on his first novel, the brass at his company said it wasn’t right for them: adios Catcher in the Rye.

With this is mind, I surveyed some of New York’s top editors asking if they would divulge which books got away, either because they didn’t recognize their value (either commercial or literary) when they saw it, or because the deciders said nay. Friends, the results:

“My saddest loss was the three day auction of the Steig Larsson trilogy which I was sure I was about to land,” writes one editor. He goes on to say they lost the book to Sonny (that’s Sonny Mehta, publisher of Knopf, and known pistachio nosher). “If you’re going to lose it might as well be Sonny.”

NOTE: Everywhere I’ve ever worked, there was no publishing house people would rather lose to or win from more than Knopf. I worked for a publisher who actually defaced a jacket with a ball point pen because she was so frustrated with the art director. “Well, what do you want?” the art director screamed back.  “I want Knopf jackets!” the publisher yelled. “Can you make a Knopf jacket?”

Then there’s the so-called  beauty contest, that is when two publishers make the same bid and the author chooses the publisher/editor she prefers. One editor writes in, “I wish I had acquired The Physick Book of Deliverace Dane. Our offer was identical to the acquiring publisher, but the author went with the other house. ” That’s always a great feeling, like standing in line at your camp social, or for that matter sitting on a bar stool at 3:00 a.m., and not getting picked, not that that’s ever happened to me.

“I passed on Prep by Curtis Sittenfeld.” another editor shares. Years later she approached Sittenfeld for a blurb on a debut novel and praised Prep in the letter. Sittenfeld wrote back saying she’d be glad to read the novel, but did the editor remember that she had turned down Prep?  Ouch. P.S. She never got the endorsement.

Another editor is still smarting over her boss’ refusal to let her bid on Kevyn Aucoin’s Making Faces. (What’s with that spelling of  Kevin??) The book immediately hit the list  and the editor shares how she relished the “oh-so-immature-yet satisfying feeling of I-told-you-so.”  (Disappointing, but not exactly Holden Caulfield.)

Another editor admitted that she cried over losing  The Angel’s Game by Carlos Ruiz Zafon. And also regrets not getting a shot at Edgar Sawtelle and Olive Kittredge. (Note to self:  post a list of novels that are titled with the character’s name? Have a contest? Too nerdy?)

Another editor confessed: “I turned down Guernsey even though I thought it was a very commercial idea because it was stiffly told. Of course then it was rewritten and the rest is history.” And another, “I passed on Shopaholic because I had a current bestseller and thought I didn’t need another one. Ha.” (Funny, no matter what I have, I always want another.)

In the If-You-Don’t-Have’Anything-Nice-To-Say-Don’t-Say-Anything-At-All department, one editor addmitted to having passed on Cold Mountain. But she didn’t just decline, “I airily declared to the agent that I grew  up on a Civil War battlefield and that if I didn’t believe it, noone would.” Thanks for sharing.

And then there’s the horse. Everyone wished they had published The Biscuit.  For two years, all editors said when asked what kind of books they want to publish was Seabiscuit. One editor wrote in to say that she offered, “Except, I told the agent is was worth $50,000.” What are the odds that the book would’ve wound up on the NYT Bestseller list for 23 weeks? And be made into a feature film starring the incredibly sexy Jeff Bridges and be nominated for an Oscar?

And last, our annual “The One That Got Away Award” goes to the editor who claimed he “turned down James Patterson’s first novel Along Came a Spider because it was so poorly, sketchily written even though it was pacey, as the Brits say. MISTAKE!” Hey, you don’t get the prize for nothing.

Full disclosure: When I was an editor, I turned down The Liar’s Club. I just didn’t believe her.