• Forest for the Trees
  • THE FOREST FOR THE TREES is about writing, publishing and what makes writers tick. This blog is dedicated to the self loathing that afflicts most writers. A community of like-minded malcontents gather here. I post less frequently now, but hopefully with as much vitriol. Please join in! Gluttons for punishment can scroll through the archives.

    If I’ve learned one thing about writers, it’s this: we really are all alone. Thanks for reading. Love, Betsy

Dear Lady, Can You Hear the Wind Blow?

Dear Betsy:
What is the right way to end a relationship with an agent/representative?
How can a writer assess whether the still, small voice saying: “Enough is enough, time to move on” is the voice of reason, and not the voice of: “My dead father didn’t love me enough, here’s a cry for help that’ll show ‘im!”
When a representative seems to already be a step ahead of the game, not returning emails and phonecalls, leaving the writer to make submissions and handle follow-up on her own behalf, and generally projecting an air of radically depleted enthusiasm, must a writer make the effort for face-time?
Or does a writer who breaks up with a rep via email doom herself to the Permanent Asshole File?
Some friends have advised that it is better to have a non-functioning relationship with an absentee rep than to have no rep at all, and that one should only cut ties once a replacement is in the wings. However, I saw a dating guru on reality TV who advised that to meet Mr. Right, you need room in your closet and a clean house. Where do you fall on the “take what you can get until something better comes along” spectrum?
Thanks for any hard-won wisdom you can spare,
Ambivalena

Dear A:
Break up. Now. In your situation, this person is hurting more than helping. If there was history, past deals, happy times, bad times you weathered together, well that’s another story. But so far this representative has not gotten you work, has not been there for you, has not followed up, etc. Now, in fairness, if he or she has tried and failed for some length of time, it is possible that he or she has hit a wall. Which, of course, is another reason to amscray. Is an abusive husband better than no husband? Even Robin Wright Penn finally said no can do.

Does one window close and another open? Sure, especially if you’re sitting in the last row of an Al-anon meeting and someone with Munchkins comes in and sits down next to you. Whenever a writer comes to me on the verge of leaving his or her agent, I always counsel him or her to talk it through, maybe the person needed a wake up call, maybe lines of communication got clogged like my purple bong circa 1978. That said, by the time most writers start looking for a new agent, they are usually past the point of working things out. It’s probably time for a divorce. Since you two don’t have any kids, it should be pretty clean. I’d send a handwritten note over an email, but that’s just me. From what I can tell, breaking up via email is the norm.
Good luck, Betsy
p.s. any break-up stories you feel like “sharing”?

Every Way You Look At It You Lose

You park the car at Walgreen’s, can’t remember what you came for, trying to remember feels like trying to do quantum physics. Four boys, young men, cross the parking lot. They are thin and own the asphalt with their enormous untied sneakers as big as boats! They will grow into them like puppies into their paws. They will be great lovers or crappy lovers; they will never remember the feeling of  being this loose. I get out of the car. Moth balls for my husband, hair conditioner for my daughter. Swick and swanky, long and lustrous, mango peach. Didn’t I need something?

The woman at the dry cleaners is flushed from the steam. She wears a ring of fake diamonds on her middle finger, too loose for her delicate finger.  A sign says they clean Uggs! I love watching her punch the cash register. In fact, I love to watch anyone punch a keyboard, especially airline ticketers with their fast claws. Why does it cost more to clean women’s clothing? Is it our special stench, the mix of cigarettes and sadness. Diet coke and pancake make-up? How we leak! I am back in the car, my husband’s ten shirts lay flat in the backseat, quiet as a corpse. I sit in the car for a few minutes. The heat is suffocating, all enveloping. I know there’s somewhere else I have to go.

You Really Really Like Me

"I really, really like me."

What is it about acceptance speeches that are so revolting (besides the fact that if someone else is giving one it means we haven’t won)? Even actors, trained thespians, can’t manage to pull it off. My theory is two-pronged. First, winning automatically reveals the level of desire and we’re not supposed to be so craven in our desire to win; it’s unbecoming. Second, it’s like watching someone masturbate in front of a mirror. It’s got the James Spader vibe of intense self-love parading as dead inside. (But I will defer to a certain commenter on the subject.)

When I win the National Book Award, here’s what I’m going to say: I have to thank Myra Fassler, high school English teacher, and Jorie Graham, Pamela White Hadas and Richard Howard, poets and teachers. Ugh. Start over: I have to thank the mental health professionals who…scratch that. Start over: My family…waa waa. Start now: I have no one to thank. I wish everyone would go fuck themselves. Do over: I wish to thank my agent, my editor, and my methadone counselor. Okay, enough. Give me your best acceptance speech.

Watcha got?

If You Don’t Know Me By Now

Today, I met with a writer who said she read my book, Food & Loathing. She said she couldn’t  “go there,” and that it must have been very painful to write. Defensively, perhaps perversely, I said that I had fun writing it. I loved figuring out the structure, moving the story along, recreating scenes.  Okay,  maybe a few fat tear drops fell on the keyboard from time to time; that too was satisfying.

I’m also very pragmatic and I had twenty-plus journals from that time that I wanted to use. I used to write in my diary every day until my mid twenties, and I had kept notes after every therapy session I ever went to. He said, she said. There was something else that motivated me: competition. All these people were writing about depression and two week hospitalizations. I was bi-polar with six months in the bin. I’m not saying I climbed Mt Kilimanjaro first with no gorp or oxygen, but I felt I knew something, had something to say, especially where food and mood collided. So, there you have it, my less than idealistic reasons for writing my book. Did I mention the money? Or the rage?

Why do you write? What really drives you?

Some Things Never Change

When I wrote poems, what I really loved was revising. Counting syllables, interior rhymes, turning quatrains into couplets, scrutinizing every line break for its potential drama or opportunity. I just loved the shit. Revising prose is another animal completely. There is nothing more thrilling than to read a work that has been transformed through the art/craft of revision. On the other hand, there is nothing more disheartening than to send away a writer with meaningful notes and have them return weeks later with a “revision” when you the know the work required would take a few months.

Sometimes, writers will send me a memo with the revision outlining everything they have done and explaining why they didn’t take certain notes. These documents are as boring as synopses. My only interest is the revision and I want to read it without the benefit of a road map. After all, there won’t be a note for the reader: took out that detail about my mother because she would kill me. Sometimes if you address one change, other problems automatically resolve. I never care if a writer takes my notes so much as uses them. There’s a great charge from working with a writer when the collaboration produces something more powerful than originally anticipated. I think editors live for this feeling; it’s akin to consummation.

There are six basic types of revisers with many variations. They are: the “pay as you play” meaning your revise each sentence again and again before moving forward; the “slasher” who mostly cuts; the “tinkerer” changes one word such as cup for mug and back to cup; the “padder” who keeps adding sometimes to good effect, sometimes not; the “architect” who drastically alters the structure; the “mule” who can not change very much; and the “hawk” who sees it all and kills it.

How do you go about the work of revising? Any advice? Nightmares? Successes? Secrets?

Never Never Never Never Never Never Be

Last night, when I sat down to write my post, something happened for the first time since I started this long and loving ballad about life and publishing: I was stuck. I couldn’t type a word. In part, I was reflecting on all the comments of the day and thinking about all the thousands of rejection letters I’ve written, cringing to think how many were inadvertently hurtful. Or stupid. In part, I was thoroughly demoralized by a number of work situations that have nearly paralyzed me. In other words, I had what some people call a bad day, followed by a worse night, waking every hour. 2:00 a.m. free floating anxiety; 3:00 a.m. shoulder and neck pain; 4:00 a.m. wishing I had another baby and could spend these pre-dawn hours in her room knowing that all I had to give was the rise and fall of my chest, the cradle of my arm. 5:00 a.m. scale, shower, teeth, hair, tastefully applied make-up; 6:00 a.m. I’m Steve Inskeep and I’m Renee Montagne.

Please do tell me what keeps you up at night.

When You Think You’ve Had Too Much of This Life

Hi Betsy,

I know I already wrote you, but I just had to share. It’s the kind of feedback (below) that makes me want to punch an agent in the face and slit my wrist.

“Thanks for sending this my way. It’s a terrific concept. Well written and very funny.

However, in the end, I just didn’t fall in love with it as much as I would have hoped.”

Is it me? Or is that not the most condescending way to reject someone? I’ve heard the same thing from guys I’ve dated. Aaaaaaaarg!

Thanks,

Dear Dejected:

You may have joined this blog only recently and are not aware of the Asshole File. This is a file I created (and, yes, I have a label-maker) when I became an agent and found myself on the receiving end of many editorial rejections. I needed, quite literally, a place to put these missives, some masturbatory, some sadistic, some just plain stupid. So when someone says, you give good head but I’m not in love, I just say yeah, whatevs.

There is a famous book called Getting to Yes. I’ve never read it but I felt the title was help enough. Being an agent is all about getting to yes. I haven’t put a letter in the A-hole file for a couple of years, not because there haven’t been worthy letters, but because they no longer bother me. Some of the best books I’ve worked on (critically and commercially) were rejected by more people than I care to count. Believe in your work, stay in the game, don’t quit, and especially don’t give a shit when someone says they’re not in love.

If you can improve your work, improve it. If you would benefit from workshopping, hiring an editor, etc. do it. This is your CAREER, your LIFE, YOUR LOVE. Do everything you can, but don’t take these letters too seriously unless they have SPECIFIC comments. Don’t kid yourself that it’s a close call. It ain’t. All the flattery in the world followed by any of publishing’s euphemisms for no (not right for our list, not my cup of chai latte, didn’t fall in love, should be a magazine article, etc.) is meaningless.

One guy I dated, upon breaking up with me, announced that he was only really interested in my father’s lumber yard. Any good rejection stories out there?

All You Do Is Treat Me Bad

Dear Gap, the advertising slate is pretty full, so please act now!

Dear Betsy,

Did you know…your book, The Forest for the Trees, is out of stock in Australia. Bookstores have to order it from USA. And it has been like that for a few months…it’s not normal, you are losing readers and customers!!

As an author, if you know (from your spy ring around the world) there are public demands for your book, do you have the power to influence your publisher’s decision regarding the distribution of your book?

I know…we only represent a potential of 22 million readers/customers in Australia…it’s not a reason for neglecting us…so, do you mind forwarding my email to your publisher? If it’s not enough we’ll organize a petition. Thanks Betsy.

Dear Nicole Kidman:

This is an outrage. I had heard rumor of a spotty stock situation in NZ and Mumbai, but this is OUTRAGEOUS. What’s worse, come to New Fucking Haven, CT and you won’t find books in the YALE bookstore, the Barnes & Noble near the movies, or at Atticus. My own home town. Every bookstore I’ve ever gone to in the last number of years has not had the book in stock. More galling, every time I stalk the writing shelves (and it can only be described as stalking or skulking), right there in the smack middle of the L’s is Anne Lamott, Bird by Bird, like a poke in the eye. And I really like her book. How then does my darling stay in print if you can never find it, you ask. I believe it’s the internet and piracy. Mostly piracy. But miracle of miracles, I get a check twice a year and it is the sweetest money ever earned. I usually do something fun and kooky with it, like pay my babysitter for a couple of weeks.

Speaking of babysitters, how is Sunday Rose?

Thanks again for the shout out, sister.

Love, Betsy

Where do you get most of your books?

The World Still Astounds You

Last night, I went to PEN’s annual gala dinner. It was held in the whale room of the Natural History Museum. When I was in college, I briefly worked for party decorator and one of our jobs was the whale room. How is it, thirty years later, I feel as if I better fit in with the wait staff and the young man with a gorgeous crown of dreadlocks frantically trying to get every candle on every last table lit? And I was so unhappy then! All I wanted was to be grown up and have a profession since I decided early on that love would probably not be in the cards. And now that I am here, a person in her own right, what?

The whale is majestic floating above the sea of literary lights. I want to devour it. How many times during the evening did I gaze upon it and then imagine it coming loose from its moorings, crashing down and killing everyone at table 28? With plenty of collateral damage. I see everyone I’ve ever worked for, worked with, sold a book to, etc. Everywhere I look is someone I know. Is it my bat mitzvah, college graduation, wedding, are we in the grand ballroom at The Stanley Hotel? The truth is I am fine. Even enjoy myself eventually. Get a few zingers in. See some people I really like, a few I love, some I loathe. I think only one person snubbed me (and you know who you are).

On the train home I thought about the young man who got me the job doing party decorations with him. He used to call me star maker as he watched me sign my first authors. One night we filled the Roseland Ballroom full of roses.

Are you always who you were?

You Talk Too Much

On Thursday, April 22, 2010, I attended an event at Regis High School in Manhattan. It was in celebration of my client’s book, Wisenheimer, about a hyper-articulate kid who becomes a pariah as a result of his excessive verbosity until he discovers his salvation: debate. Instead of your usual reading, Mark Oppenheimer organized a debate between himself and Hanna Rosin, they were partnered with Joseph Eddy (Regis ’10) and Claire Littlefield (Stuyvesant ’10). Readers, in a word: delightful.

In a few more words, it was fantastic to listen to the verbal sparring of these brilliant seniors and rusty world champions. I fell in love with Clair Littlefield, a young woman of poise, charm, guts and abundant smarts. The debate proper “Resolved: That American Political Dialogue is in Trouble” was followed by a series of Regis High School boys, er, young men, who were given a few minutes to contribute. Did I say confident, nearly cocky, assured and adorable. A night of blue blazers lining the balcony. It was one of the great book events I’ve ever attended. It was the spirit of words and their power, the spirit of blue blazers, and the spirit of great debate. When I was in high school, I may have debated my friends over which rolling papers we preferred, but that was about it. I was awash in nostalgia for something I barely knew existed.