• Forest for the Trees
  • THE FOREST FOR THE TREES is about writing, publishing and what makes writers tick. This blog is dedicated to the self loathing that afflicts most writers. A community of like-minded malcontents gather here. I post less frequently now, but hopefully with as much vitriol. Please join in! Gluttons for punishment can scroll through the archives.

    If I’ve learned one thing about writers, it’s this: we really are all alone. Thanks for reading. Love, Betsy

I’m Going Where The Sun Keeps Shining

“We should do something fun and healthy, like run the marathon in Paris.”

“I know this weekend is going to be something, even if it’s not the something I expect. You know what I mean?”

“I lost my shoe this morning and had to find a store at eight this morning that had flip flops. My apartment is so small, I don’t even know how I could lose it. Sheesh.”

“Have you eaten there?”

It’s easier than ever to listen in on other people’s conversations because everyone is walking around and talking on their fucking  phones. I’ve always loved eavesdropping, especially in restaurants. Sometimes I even have to be snapped back to attention from the diners I’m with because I’m too focused on the conversation in the next booth. I especially love it when things get heated and might possibly turn ugly. It’s almost orgasmic for me.

What’s this post about? Dialogue. That’s what I’m getting at. Do you really listen to how people speak? It sure ain’t in full sentences or even sentences that follow one another. How do you create effective dialogue in your books? It’s obviously different for non-fiction and fiction. So for the purposes of this blog, let’s talk about fiction since I trust all the non-fiction writers would never make up dialogue. How in fiction do you make people sound real? I was once told that dialogue should never advance the plot, only enhance it. Any thoughts, wisdom?

Better yet, if you leave a comment, what was the best dialogue you overheard today?

Things Are Happening Every Day

Hi there,
My daughter and I have a very interesting story to tell about our lives and I’m wondering what my next steps should be to turn our story into a book. Since neither one of us are writers, do I contact a publishing company directly? A ghost writer perhaps? 

Thank you so much for any advice you can share.

Dear Mommy Dearest:

This is probably the most frequently asked question I get and yet somehow it always makes me apoplectic. Your story is not interesting, or not inherently interesting. Great writing and great storytelling is the only thing that is interesting. Can you hire a ghost writer to get your story down. Yes, someone will take your money. Hell, how much have you got?

I’m sorry. You seem really nice. The thing is, if you’re famous, people will want to read your story. If you’re not famous, nobody cares. How do you get them to care? Get a local reporter to write a story about you. Better yet, get People magazine to do one of their regular people pieces about you? Find a way to get your story out there (radio, tv, blogosphere) that will interest a publisher, agent, writer.  Or do your research and find a ghost, book doctor, or editor who will work with you to shape a proposal. Or buy a lottery ticket.

Can anyone step in?

I Will Be King

Larkin Lerner

Sylvia Lerner

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Of all the things I might have picked up on in today’s newspaper:  the tide of 9/11 books entering a soft market,  the Yanks gaining a two game lead over the Red Sox, or the MichiRave  in the NYT, (a term I’m hoping to coin) about The Art of Fielding by Chad Harbach. Of all this, and what am I fixated on? The tiny print next to Chad Harbach’s author photo with the name of the photographer: Beowulf Sheehan. Beowulf?

Okay, I know some kids with funky, literary names like Dante (I actually know two Dantes), and Demian, and I know a bunch of Emily’s named for Emily Dickinson, which doesn’t count because it doesn’t give anybody pause.  I know a Maud for Maud Gonne. I know a Whitman. I once met Miranda Updike named for the daughter in the Tempest.  But BEOWULF? This is bold.  I clearly blew it with my kid. She could have been Trollope Lerner, or Grisham Lerner, or Doris Kearns Goodwin Lerner. Or Janet Malcom Lerner.  Fuck it.

What would you rename your literary self? Or offspring?

Hello, It’s Me

I didn’t write as much as I wanted to. I didn’t read as much as I wanted to. I didn’t sleep as much as I wanted to. I ate more than I wanted to. I obsessed about work  more than I wanted to. I had more catastrophe fantasies than usual, and I have a half dozen at least on an average day.

I also did something that I don’t think we’ve ever talked about. I wrote in my head. I didn’t stop dreaming up great first lines. I didn’t stop coming up with witty dialogue and pithy rejoinders. I started poems, stories, novels, epics. I wrote War and  Peace IN MY FUCKING HEAD. What is all that writing that goes on in the head? Is it figuring out stuff? Part of the so-called process? Is it fall out from too much acid? Is it the necessary obsession with your work, the so-called immersion. Or the early onset of a degenerative illness? Grandiosity of the lowest order? Or a common suspect, much beloved narcissism?

Or is it just not writing? What do you make of the static?

Anyone still out there?

THough We Gotta Say GOodbye For the Summer

As of tomorrow, I’m doing it: I’m unplugging. No blog, no email, no vibrator. I’m taking off until Labor Day. I’m giving myself two writing weeks to revise my screenplay and turn it into the perfect vehicle for Marisa Tomei and Andrew Garfield. I will miss our nightly lovemaking, but I hope everyone hunkers down with their writing as well. Or, does something really fun like go to the beach or roast corn or see the new Planet of the Apes movie. 

If anyone’s up for it, let’s see if we can write something here like the car game where you start with a sentence and everyone adds one sentence at a time, and you see how long you can keep it going. So, the first line, which I’m lifting from Joan Didion’s The White Album, is:

We tell ourselves stories in order to live.

P.S. I miss you already and I’ll see you Sept. 5.

Can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail?

This is a post about something very difficult to come to grips with that no one likes to talk about — it’s about hitting the wall. And by that I mean when you are stuck, whether you’re crashing into the wall or the wall is crashing into you. I’m not talking about a bad day or even a few months of writer’s block. I’m not talking about a string of rejections or seeing your book on the remainder table where no one wants it, even for $5.99. What I’m talking about is something deeper and more terrifying. It’s when you realize you’ve been writing the same book over and over. Or when you can no longer stand writing in the register you’ve been writing in and don’t know how to get out.  This isn’t a slump, a bad patch, a bush-league case of writer’s block or stage fright. This isn’t about not being able to come up with a new idea. This is bad. It’s when you understand the limits of your imagination, intellect, creativity, skill, or drive. It’s when you no longer know when you’re faking it; when you’ve succeeded at fooling yourself. I’ve seen it in writers over the years. You can’t say anything. It would be cruel, like waking a sleepwalker. You know the writer is in agony even if he can’t admit it to himself, even if he’s on the couch five days a week, it’s almost impossible to admit.

What I want to know is: have you  hit the wall and what did you do?

If You’re Happy And You Know It

Some irresistible questions  from yesterday:

Setting aside the normal caveats–everyone’s different, there’s no one way to write–what do you tell your writers about outlines?

One size does not fit all. Men tend to like outlines. It gives them a false feeling of control. Women like underwires. Personally, I hate reading outlines. Anything that isn’t the writing itself bores me. Oh, they can be useful. I’m more of an index card and bulletin board girl myself. I know a  bestselling thriller writer who starts with a 100 page document of pure plot. I tell my writers: do what works for you. Wear pantyhose. Floss. Avoid scallops. I also believe a writer caught without a notebook should be shot. 

After a novel tanks, is there anyway to squeeze a few more bucks from it? Can I throw in a few werewolves, search-and-replace the character names, and try to sell it as a new book with a new title?  All good ideasOr, for non-fiction,  you can revise and update your book, throw up a blog, whore around writers conferences and squeeze a few more shekels out of it that way. 

Barring any contractual language that covers this point, is there any way to get the rights back from the publisher after a book has stopped selling but before it’s officially out of print? I know agents sometimes ask for the rights back, and maybe get them, maybe just foreign, whatever–does it simply depend on the publisher’s mood that morning?  I worked for a publisher who wore a mood ring and based all of his editorial decisions on it; first prints and marketing budgets were decided by the eight ball he kept on his desk, and reverting rights were left to the Ouija board. 

What’s the downside to changing pseudonyms every three months and selling each book as a ‘debut novel’? (Until one hits the list, of course, and then retroactively claiming all the previous titles.) If you get caught you’ll have to make love with James Patterson and his battery of ghosts (some of whom I hear are quite toned), or enter the writer’s witness protection program which is akin to being a waiter at Breadloaf.

What is the big industry association, the AAP? Do they suck at lobbying? Are they underfunded, idiotic, or just focused on corporate profits instead of the health of the industry? Why do I suspect that that’s a stupid question? The American Academy of Pediatrics is dedicated to the health of all children, even you, our darling August. http://www.aap.org/  Thanks.

Today I want to do something different. Instead of a comment, leave one sentence from something you wrote this week, if you like.                               

Don’t You Ever Ask Them Why

I’ve  always been turned off by people who say they can’t write certain things until their parents die. Does that mean they go around hoping for mom and dad to choke on a pecan at Thanksgiving? I don’t think you can hijack your writing for the sake of people’s feelings. And who are you really protecting? And I’m not just talking about confessional or autobiographical writing. All writing has something at stake, or should, in my humble. You don’t have to engage in character assassination, or pen a Mommy Dearest, but you have to take me there. I want a manuscript to take me somewhere I’ve never been, or somewhere I’ve been a million times and show me something new. I don’t like polite writing, polite conversation, or conversation about weather. I want a writer to be fearless because I’m a pussy.

Who are you protecting?

Alone In the Dark

Hi Betsy,I read on a recent blog post that you’ve been reading screenplays.  Do you, as an agent, represent screenplays?Also, and I’m sure different agents would give different answers to this, but I trust your opinion so I’ll ask you: an article I’ve written has recently been published in an e-zine but it is entirely unrelated to the novel I’ve written and for which, I am seeking representation.  Should I still include the fact that an article of mine has been published in my query letters to agents?

Thanks for your time,

NO and  No. My screenwriting agent dumped me so we are in same boat, except that I would sooner send a pair of Spanx than an unrelated article in a submission.

Dear Betsy:

I am a long way away from this becoming an issue, but I like to think positive, so I thought I’d get it ironed out in advance.  When authors sign books, they don’t, like, use the same signature they do for signing official documents, right?  Will I have to make up a different, autograph-only signature for my ravening hordes of fans?

Thank you for what I am sure will be both a fine kicking of my milky-white ass and an excellent answer.  Love you, byeeee!

[anonymity appreciated!]

Dear John Hancock: I usually hire a few Labradoodles to do my signing, so I can’t help you. And then I get my thumbprint changed, and my eye color, and I start eating fish for breakfast.  Love, Me.

Any other questions?


When I Get That Feeling

I think I was in the third grade when my best friend Lisa Zimmerman and I snuck a fat paperback by Harold Robbins from her mom’s room. I had no idea what was going on, but the title was oh so appealing, The Betsy. I think I was in the fifth grade when The Godfather was secretly circulated around my class, with a page number that referenced a hot sex scene between Sonny and a bridesmaid. I was in twelfth grade when I read a book because of the title, A Spy in the House of Love, and decided that I wanted lovers instead of boyfriends. Then Marguerite Duras’ The Lover. Then, the motherlode, Henry Miller. Tropic of fuck me dead.

Todays’s topic: What are the best sex scenes you’ve ever read?